My Life as a Bi-Polar

Feeling lazy for no particular reason

2011-08-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

Some days I have to force myself to really try to be productive, and this I am sure is a problem for most people, as it was for me years ago before my BP really started to "Kick in"! But these days it seems to be a real problem and it could be for a number of reasons, and when you have BP, you always go to the Medication dosage first, but that is not always the reason. It could be a number of things, it could be that my diet is screwed up or it could be that I am "cycling" or it could just be that it is a normal day for me? For some reason for the last few days I have been sort of lethargic and the irony is some of the people around me think that I am acting normal? Which I kind of find pretty funny!

I have been kicking back and watching television and running a few errands, and some of the people who are close to me think that this is normal behavior for me? Of course it is not, which is why I am writing about this and a little bothered by the whole scenario. I would rather be moving around and much more productive and maybe a bit happier? But until then I am just in a slump and I will likely just be in this mode for a few more days and if it sticks around longer than that I will have to talk with my Dr. and we'll make a medication change. We have been talking about a medication change just last week, so if it sticks around too long, then to the Dr. I will be heading. More later…

The variable days

2011-07-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

One of the stranger things about being BP is the too often feeling of Anxiety. To be honest there are times when I know where it comes from, but there are many more times when I have no idea as to where or even why I have the anxiety feelings. I am not sure if you have ever suffered from Anxiety, but it is an uncomfortable feeling. It isn't the worst thing I have ever suffered from, but it is annoying.

With this feeling happening at least every few days, there are many more days when I don't have the feeling, and there are even days where I feel quite fine. And of course these are always some of my favorite days. Sometimes dealing with BP is what I call second guessing yourself, as there are too many times when I end up second guessing how I feel or even why I feel a particular way, and this can be very annoying for many reasons I am sure you can guess why! A lot of this has to do with the too often "Adjustment" of medications. When you have to deal with changing medications all the times there are many days when you are not sure if feelings that you are having are more the fault of the medications rather than the guesstimation of if it is the BP or if it is the medications.

A Re - Re - Comeback

2011-07-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a while since I have written here! I have another blog and I have even taken away some time from that one as well. But, my goal is to start writing at both of them a little more often, especially this one as I think I have a few things I can say here, especially since I am affected by this illness, so I should be able to come up with a few ideas, or subjects that I can talk about that at least one or two of you can relate to? On that note, please feel free to drop me a note on any subject, but I would prefer that it be on the subject of Bi-Polar as that is what this blog's main subject is about.

More very soon!

Life and Sleep

2010-12-20T07:14:00.000-08:00

At first I wondered if I was going to sleep the rest of my life away. When I was first diagnosed I was sleeping all day long, then I would wake around 3-4pm and stay awake until about 8-9pm and then go back to sleep. It was difficult, especially for someone like me who used to be happy with anywhere from 3-5 hours of sleep a night, now I was getting 3-5 hours of awake time and sleeping all the rest. Of course it was all medication that was doing this to me, but this still didn't make me any happier! I was sleeping my life away and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

Time went by and I tried different medications and I swapped some good for some bad and so forth, meaning I was sleeping sometimes less and sometimes more and it all depended on the type of medication I was on and the dosage amount. For Example, on some meds all we had to do was increase the dosage by a small amount and all of a sudden I was sleeping an extra 4-5 hours, decrease another med at the same time and I was back to where I was in the first place? The thing about being Bi-Polar, well there are many things about being Bi-Polar, but one of them is, is that it is not an exact science, and there is no proven exact method to helping anyone because not only is everyone different, but so is everyone's treatment. I try to explain it this way to most people in hopes that they will understand, being Bi-Polar is like having diabetes, there are different levels of insulin that everyone has to take, well in being Bi-Polar there are different levels of chemicals your brain needs to functions, and this is what Bi-Polar really is, you body not producing enough of a certain type of chemicals and with out these chemicals you get the fun and wacky behavior that we all know and love as Bi-Polar.

So the long and short of it is when you are Bi-Polar you either get too much sleep or you don't get enough...you rarely ever get just the right amount. And the same goes for your treatment, you spend years taking all kinds of medications and hoping for the right mixture and maybe one day you get it? and if you do you hope and you pray that you will be able to keep the right levels, because once you go off, its like starting all over again. And the sleep is even worse because you spend all your time trying to not only find a medication that works, but you have to go thru the terrible sleep patterns all over again.

Friends and open Conversations

2010-12-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

One of the things I have learned since I was first told that I may have Bi-Polar is that when I meet others who have either been diagnosed as Bi-Polar or I suspect that they are Bi-Polar is that there is almost a kindred spirit type relationship. I have found some really good relationship with others who have Bi-Polar, as well as some great relationships with others who have been affected by various types of mental illness.

Now first let me say that Bi-Polar is not a Mental Illness, and there are some who really have no idea as to what they are talking about who will say, but wait a minute, I have always been told that Bi-Polar is a Mental illness and those who suffer are mentally ill, but the truth of the matter is that Bi-Polar is much like diabetes in that is has to do with chemicals in your body. There are many in the Medical community who know this and there are a few who don't, but if you ask the ones who have been treating those who have it they will tell you what I am telling you here.

Now with out going into all of the details of the illness itself, (If you want that just do a google search and look for it on Wikipedia, you will find some good information regarding the illness. My point here is to point out the benefits of some of the relationships that I have been lucky enough to have developed since I was first diagnosed.) With all of the above being said, I can and will say that I have developed some just amazing friendships since I was first diagnosed, and they are based on my being diagnosed as Bi-Polar. There is a strange element of trust that comes when you meet someone who also has the illness. The doors are open and you can really get to know the person who suffers from the illness, and of course this is assuming that they are doing what they can to try and get better, as trying to talk with someone who suffers from the illness and they are not getting any treatment can be very difficult. They bounce around like a jumping bean and are very difficult to engage in any type of conversation.

But as time goes by and you get to know someone who has one of the elements of Bi-Polar and they are under the treatment f a Dr. the conversations can and usually are quite wonderful. The Walls have been torn down and the openness is there for two people to really get to know one another. I can think of at least two of my friends who are suffering from Bi-Polar and our friend ship is very strong because you not only know that the walls are tore down but you know that the person you are talking with are generally open and good people that you can trust. Not only can you trust them but you find that the conversations usually take a different course then if you were just two “Friends” talking about any given subject. It seems that in a normal conversation there is always that wall where you have to be careful not to touch, but with a fellow Bi-Polar you don’t have to worry about that and you can just talk about anything you feel like and for some reason the other person will just open up to you like you were an old friend. One would think that this would not be the case as when one suffers from an illness they tend to hide away and not share much information about them self, but for some reason Bi-Polar people are just open in general and will talk about any given subject. This can and does make for some wonderful conversations. I am lucky to be part of that group, and feel that my friendship circle has opened up to a whole new circle and my friends are among a much larger group.

I will continue with more on this subject tomorrow, I just wanted to get it off the top of my head, and remember if there id any subject you feel you would feel open to discussing, please drop me a note and I am sure we can talk about it, or even if you have a question

Dosage Problem...

2010-12-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

Well, one of the problems I have been experiencing as of late is what time to I take my meds, or in this case a specific medication. It says that I should take it once, twice daily. The problem is if I take one dosage in the morning, within an hour or so I am ready for a bog time nap. I don't like this because it could knock me out for the rest of the day? So I have tried to take both dosage's at night, but then I end up sleeping for about 14-15 hours. So it is kind of a lose, lose for me and very frustrating.

So, what do I do? Well, I have tried a number of method and to be honest I don't really have it figured out yet, but I am working on it and I do hope that I will iron it out soon as it is very trying on my head. If anyone else has had this problem please feel free to share with me what you did?

Here is an idea I just came up with? Maybe I could take 4 small dosages instead of two large dosages, maybe this will help me on a larger scale? Hopefully I could skip the sleep all together and still get the over all effect of my meds? This is what I will try over the next few days and I will post here in case someone else has come up with a similar problem?

Till again...

Life and more stuff!

2010-12-14T19:53:00.001-08:00

Well, here I am and it is another day and I have quite a few things bouncing around my head right now. I am giving some serious consideration to moving out to San Francisco. Yes, I know that would be a hell of a move, but I think it might do my sou some good to get out of Dodge, (Do to speak!). I am not 100% that I am going yet, but I will say that I am giving it some serious consideration. I have always loved the city, and I have a chance to be roommates with an old friend, so that would help right from the start.

The second big thing today has to do with my health, because after all this blog is supposed to be about my health first and the rest later. I have been sleeping too much and I am not sure why? Today for example I slept till about 2:30pm, which is very strange because I went to be the night before around 11pm, so that is about 14 hours or so? I think it may have to do with some of my medications, but I am not sure and am a little concerned. I will give it a few more days and see how things go before I get too concerned about it. If it is the medication then I will have to make some kind of change, I am not sure what kind yet, but it will likely have to do with the time that I take my meds, as I think this is the reason why I am sleeping so much. Time will tell.

More soon!

Looking forward to a new year!!! 2011

2010-12-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

Sort of as a post note, I am going to try and write a lot more often here as I think there is a lot more that I can say regarding Bi-Polar and its painful aspects. I have had some good feedback in the past and I hope I can earn that again? I will do what I can to write here more often and I will do what I can to make it as interesting as possible.

To all who have sent me notes, I thank you and I hope you are still around and I hope I can entertain you enough so that you will come back and leave notes or at the very least drop me a personal note.

There are so many painful and positive aspects of Bi-Polar, and so many things we can share with each other to help one another in various ways, so please feel free to leave me a note or send me a msg...

Back and feeling better

2010-12-13T13:07:00.000-08:00

It has been too long since I have posted here and it is not because I haven't been suffering from my Bi-Polar, it has more to do with the fact that I have chosen too many projects to write for and I have diluted what it was I wanted to write about.

As I am sure you have likely guessed I am still Bi-Polar and that should come as no surprise to anyone who knows anything at all about Bi-Polar. I have had some good news over the last 6-8 months and I should have come here first to share it, but as I am sure you know if you have ever known anyone who has Bi-Polar or has suffered from Bi-Polar good news can be fading and often it fades too quickly. Without going into too much detail on how anyone who is Bi-Polar isn't really suffering from a mental illness, they are suffering from a chemical imbalance. This is often one of the most misunderstood aspects of being Bi-Polar. Think of it like it is an illness like Diabetes, where your body doesn't produce or it produces too much of certain chemicals for your body to really understand or deal with. So if this is the case your body is in a state of fluctuation, sometimes you are producing too much of one chemical and others you are not producing enough. I am guessing that if you have read this much you already know this, but if not check out this article, maybe it will enlighten you a little more? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder

I have finally found, or I should say have eventually found a medication that helps me and doesn't cause me to balloon up like, well a balloon! This is great news on two ends for me, as I am finally feeling back to how I used to feel and there is hope that this will remain the case for quite some time, and the second reason is if you have ever suffered from this nasty illness and taken any of the medications you will know that a lot of the medications that one is diagnosed often make you put on weight like you were eating ice cream and cake every day for every meal. I am happy to say I am feeling better, and I am not putting on weight, it has bee about 7 months and I am finally after 4.5 years feeling like I should and like I used to feel when I was younger. I will continue with more updates as we roll into 2011, but for now I will just say that I am feeling pretty good and I can say that life is looking pretty good and this my friends is a very, very good thing.

I will keep today's post short and I will promise to make it back more often with more details regarding both my illness and my stabilization. One of the things you learn about being Bi-Polar is you pretty much never say, I am finally feeling better because there is always that day right around the next one where you may slip into those really bad feelings, so for now and pretty much forever I will just say I am thankful to be able to write here today and I am very thankful not to be suffering from the illness known as Bi-Polar.

Until next time,
Ciao!

All right then

2009-10-17T06:47:00.001-07:00

So it has been a while since I have been here and usually I have an idea as to what I am going to write about before I start writing here? However I am just kicking back watching TV (Nitro Circus) and I felt like dropping a note.

Well lately I have been bouncing around more then Pam Anderson did on Bay Watch. I have been playing with my dosages and it has been costing me a lot of pain. When I say playing around it doesn't mean that I was intentionally doing this, I was more trying to play Dr. and adjust my meds because I was suffering too much depression and for some dumb reason I felt like if I adjusted one of my meds that it would level out the other med and cause me less depression.....in the words of Homer Simpson, Doh!

I have learned my lesson and will not adjust my meds again. It is just amazing what just little dosages can do to you? I am back on my regular dosage and I am beginning to feel much better. If you know anything about taking depression medications you know that it doesn't just take one day for the meds to work, it can take up to about 4 - 8 weeks, and even then the degrees at which the medication, (At least in my case) can adjust slowly and even though it may start working at or around 4-6 weeks, there seems to be a continual curve at which the medications continue to work. Sometimes they may start to work and then they will just fall off the chart and you won't feel anything after that? Other times it will continually work and eventually it will work for good. Well good is a relative term, as good can mean many things when it comes to medications for BP or Depression. Meaning it may work for a little while and then slowly fall off and then eventually not work at all, or it may just keep working for, well for a very long time. I know some people that take the same medication that they were perscribed when they were initially diagnosed. So it is really a hit or miss kind of game, and the wonderful thing is that is varies from person to person?

So the gist of what I am saying here is don't be a dumbass like me, and I know it is very tempting, and I know that it is very likely that you will, but I can at least say it isn't a good idea. And like all people that tell us that something isn't a good idea.....we all go and do it because sometimes experience is the better teacher!

Have fun and make sure you take all your meds!

Days, Nights and Selfish Behavior.......

2009-08-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

More days and nights of moods that swing up and down....

Over all I am feeling a bit better these last few days and I am happy with this, as I am sure that most anyone would or could be!! As I stated in a previous post I asked me Dr. to lower the dosage of my Cymbalta as it was causing a side effect that I wasn't too happy with the overall effects. Well, after about a week and a half of kind of suffering I finally feel quite a bit better. I did have a headache as well as an upset stomach. And I also had a low grade sort of depression, and that was causing most of the issues. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that most any of your friends or loved ones can deal with just about anything, but for some reason they always have an issue with depression. And depression doesn't just effect you, it affects everyone around you and everyone that you care about and love.

I once heard someone say that Depression is a selfish illness, and to be honest for a long time I didn't understand what was meant by that, or what the person that said that could have meant about saying that. These days I think I have a grasp on that? These days I have watched what my depression and my overall illness has done to those who care about me and how it effects them when they see me.

When you are in your depressed state you are reclusive and you tend to push others out of your life, you don't mean to do this, you just do it because the natural thing for you to do is to hide yourself away from the ones you love or care about. Most times it isn't a real conscious thought, you just do it because it is what you have always done. It is what feels, well if anything feels good then hiding away and pushing others out of your life is what feels better. It really has nothing to do with who ever the person is, nor does it have anything to do with the ways they try to help you? The introversion is the small bit of relief that you get when you are in your Circle, and that is the only thing that can help with the pain. Of course this is not with standing the "Self Medication" or the "Real Medication" that the Dr's. try and give you? Because they do try, but it does take a very long time for this pain to ebb. And that is the goal, to have this pain go away.

When you are in pain, you forget those who are important to you, you forgot the little things they do to try and make your life a little bit better here and there? Most times in their hearts they really want you to feel better, and in all honesty, they really do not understand what the pain is, because it isn't that we try to hide the symptoms away from them, it isn't because we do not want them to know how much we hurt, it is more because we really do not know how to or even begin to explain what this pain feels like? I wish I could explain to some of the people who care about me and love me how it feels when I wake up, or how I feel as I trudge from bed to the breakfast table? I did try to explain to one person I was dating once and it scared her so much that she literally broke up with me that day. AS I said I don't blame her, I was honest with her and I was glad that she was honest with me. But the hard part is that it still makes us all, not just me, but all of us a bit "Gun Shy", when we try to explain things regarding our pain and how we feel over all to others about this illness that we are afflicted with!

And I think that maybe this is where some of this inability to explain to others why and how we feel as bad as we do is why this illness seems and is actually so selfish. In a lot of ways I do not think that we do it on purpose, although there may be times when we are selfish, because I am sure that you are like me and have been called everything else in the book when you are ill.

So with all of this I will try to keep today's post a bit shorter and end this now, but I will obviously come back to this subject over again as I am sure that I don't have all of the aspects of the subject down and like life, there is always something else for me to learn. And when it comes to Bi-Polar, there is always something else to learn!

Ciao!

A long painful truth about people and Bi-Polar.....

2009-08-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

Once again here I am after one of my joyful up and down swing! I get used to them, this isn't to say that I enjoy them, it is only saying that they do not surprise me as much as they used to? This most recent one was a bit more painful then some of the last, and as usual this was for a number of reasons.

The first being that I was trying, with my Dr's permission to reduce the amount of a certain medication that I was taking because I didn't like one of the side effects. As with most "Anti-Depressants" there are any number of side effects and I have dealt with more then a handful, some that were really bad and some that were tolerable. This most recent was more annoying then anything, as it dealt with my sex life, and I should say my lack of sex life.....This particular pill is known to reduce your sex drive if not just take it away. Well, being as I had tried dating again and was looking forward to a normal sex life I was a bit happy, or so I thought. As I said we reduced the amount I was taking at of course there were the normal adverse effects, I was feeling like I had the flu, I had an upset stomach, a headache and was feeling a bit depressed! So all of this goes on and I know in my mind that I will get better, but my "Partner" didn't and like a few before decided to bow out of the relationship before I could start to feel better.

Now, in all fairness let me say this, because I was feeling sick and depressed was not the only reason that she bowed out, she had her own reasons, and as short sighted as I thought they were, she is entitled to her choice. One of the things I do, when ever I even think about starting to date anyone is something that I think all people that have BP should do. (Again, this is just my idea!) But, after meeting someone and deciding that there is the possibility that I might date the person for more then one or two dates I ask them what they know about Bi-Polar? I listen to all of the uneducated answers and then I share with them some of what they got correct and maybe even tell them in more detail. (I was once in their uneducated shoes and I too dated a woman who was BP, and she did this to me and I respected it very much, so I choose to do this as well.) After a brief conversation I let them know that I was diagnosed BP, and that there are two types and that I was diagnosed one of the two. I explain a little more and then I let them know that if they want to learn about it I would be happy to share any or all of my books with them, and I would do what ever I could to help them learn more. Or, if they choose they can bow out and I would not be mad and I was grateful for their honesty and we could end on friendship. Which would make me happy as well.

Well, this last one decided that she wanted to learn more so I did what I could and explained what I could. And I was very happy as I thought she was a very special person and someone who could see beyond the illness and we could grow together.....And I still think of her this was, however I was wrong about a few things....She had stated to me one night that it was all in my head and that I could feel better if I really wanted to! Well, rather then get upset I tried to explain that this was not the case and that she had missed something when reading or maybe misunderstood something? I asked her, as I would ask anyone who would say that BP is in your head and it is a choice, I asked could you imagine what it is like to wake up every morning and wonder if you were going to make it thru that day? To wonder how and if you were going to kill yourself that day, or when you were going to do it? To imagine what it was like to sit there after first waking up and feeling like the only way out was to end it all, to actually hope that something would take your life because the pain was becoming too great? To know that those who love you would be hurt, would be devastated if you did this, to know in your head that if you could stop this that you would give anything to do that? To hope and pray it was all a bad dream, to sit down at any moment and just cry, and cry because you couldn't understand why you were the one with it, why you had to deal with it? I tried to explain to her that these were almost everyday issues for me! And if it really was something that I would control, I would give every bit of my soul to stop this horrible pain and I would never wish it on another person, not even my worst enemy. (Besides, when you are like this you cannot have enemies because this pain takes all of your energy to fight, you cannot have any enemies because of this pain.!)

Well, a few hours later I received an e-mail, and she said that she couldn't take it and that it wasn't what she really wanted.

I understand, and I am not mad, I am upset, if I wasn't it just means I never cared, but this is life and I cannot make everyone happy and vice versa, so with all of this I wish her and anyone else I know luck. Life is very difficult and when you have something like this to deal with it is just a little more difficult.

I will end this on something that a very dear friend of mine said to me regarding BP and myself, I am lucky that this person is still in my life, and to this day we are still friends even though we have lived thousands of miles apart since College. She is a person I have known for over 20 years and she knows me just about better then anyone I can think of. What she said to me was: "Your BP is a Challenge but it is such an integral part of who you are. It's where all of the passion that makes you so wonderful stems from!"

And in all of my life, I don't think anyone has ever said such a good and honest thing about me, and this is one of the many reasons I will always love this person, no matter how far apart we are from each other.!

So today's bit has a little bit of everything, love, hurt, joy, trust, pain and if you can find others help yourself. But as far as I see it, let life grow and be happy with the people you have in your life! And more importantly, enjoy the life you have with the people you have in your life!!

Ciao!

My Favrite line......"I'm Broken!" or at least cracked?

2009-08-17T08:18:00.001-07:00

Let me just start out by just saying FUCK!!! It has been a hellish month or so, and to be honest I am wiped out!!! There have been too many mornings that I have woken up and tried to think of reasons why I shouldn't off myself, and if I am not thinking of that I am thinking and wondering why it has to be me? Why do I get to deal with this shitty feeling, or feelings!!!

I Started to do ok for a few days as we edged up my meds and I was thinking, ok this may work......Then one of my least favorite side effects starts to kick in and I talk to my Dr. and realize that I have to do something. So we reduce the dosage and wait.........and then it starts, the upset stomach, the headache, the irratability.......and keep in mind this is just reducing the medication by 1/2 of the regular dosage. I can only imagine what it would be like if we just stopped it all together? So, here I sit in all of this pain and what not and then the reason I started to reduce the meds decides that it will just fade away.....Fvck X 100!!! So what do I do now? So last night I was still feeling a bit like shit and I took a little bit of the old dose to see if it would make me feel any better? Well, maybe, it is very difficult to tell? I don't think I will keep taking the higher dosage and just see what happens, because for some damn reason I feel ok today?

So on to new and other joyous and painful happiness related things for someone like myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no one that wants a broken me around them, they do at first because it offers them an idea that they can fix me, but they cannot and once they figure this out, they want to leave. And to be honest I cannot blame them. I can be a basket case. I couldn't see myself entering into a relationship with someone just because they are broken? Unless, and I have done this, it was the reason that they were broken that interested me? And yes I have dne this, I am that stupid. It wasn't that I wanted to fix them, it was because I found some chick/Woman that was broken and there was something sexier about her being broken. Why do I, or have I done this?? Fuck if I know, but I can list on at least one hand over the last 20 years 405 Women that I have met that were broken and that I have felt a desire to date them?

Well, enough for now, maybe more later, but remember if you have what I have, or even if you do no not, at least try not to look like you are broken, as some people are afraid of that, and the ones that are interested, well........they might be worse then you.

Never judge a book or an Elephant by its Cover!

2009-05-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

What is it I want? What is it I seek? I spend time reading various things, some good not so good? Most of it I don’t even finish reading, not because it is bad more because my brain will not hold up to the pages that I am testing them with? I want a brain that can read and fight against the pages that are sold in Borders as well as Barnes and Nobels, but the truth really is, is that my brain can only stand up to the general ideas of these books I find. And to be honest this is all I need most of the time. I, as I am sure like most of you out there really bored by what I read after I read the covers. The covers are like the pretty ladies that we all see in the bars or in the coffee houses.

And if you want to be a fucking PC kind of asshole hole because you are not smart enough to figure out that when I say girls or women, if your brain hasn’t evolved enough to understand that I am also saying that it is like the stupid looking and acting guys or the guys that dress up like male whores, or at least what I would imagine male whores to look like? But after getting all caught up in this little amount of BS, your learn to realize that the reality is that there is nothing beyond the surface, just like these shitty books that I buy and cannot read because there is no substance……So when I go to the book store or the coffee house and I see what I think is a pretty woman after about 2.5 minutes of conversation, I realize that they are dumber then I could have ever wished to be, and trust me I have wished some days that I could be very, very DUMB!

Ahh well, so I cannot wish myself Dumb, and I cannot find any substance in the books that I am reading, nor in the people I am meeting and when I settle down and I feel quiet and a bit lonely, I start to think that maybe I am too hard on these books, and maybe I am too hard on these people, and I am too hard on society? I want to walk down the street with the quietness of a man in the forest filled with solitude…….and truth be told…..I think I want to be quiet now, and I realize that people can be good, and that I have at times been too mean to some people and I really need to be nice to some people. And I am going to start with being nice to you, I am not going to waste anymore of your time up, and I am simply going to wish you a good day and I hope that you see an Elephant, because for some reason Elephants can almost always bring a smile to you….Those and Giraffe’s!

Side effects and the individual....

2009-04-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

As you all know life as a Bi-Polar is always difficult! It isn't from lack of trying or from lack of medication, it is you never know what to expect? I can do the same thing on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and even Friday and then all of a sudden on Saturday I will start to feel a bit out of kilter, then on Sunday and all of the following week I will feel like shit! All I will want to do is sleep, and lay about, not talk to others and barely eat?

I guess I am lucky in many ways as I do know of people that have it worse and their fluctuations are much more severe. They have violent outswings and their depressions may be more severe or less severe, but their manic attacks may or will be much more severe?

My point here is more that as a person with Bi-Polar we all know about the severity and the fluctuations. How painful they can be and honesty where our lives feel at a given moment. But we feel various emotions including humility, shame, introspective feeling on who and what we are? Basically what I am trying to say is that as we have been consumed by this dreaded Disease we are also consumed by varying feeling of emotions that are not directly related to this illness, and I am sure that these feelings vary by person to person.

Try and remember that if you know someone that have this illness, that just because you have read something about what they may be experiencing in a book, they may also be feeling other emotions that are not always so obvious, and not always spoken about as much as the standared side effects of this illness.

This damn illness reaches far and wide depending on the individual, so just because your friend Dave has the illness, this does not mean that your cousin mike will have the same side effects.

Time and the keys to my soul

2009-03-27T14:39:00.000-07:00

Time has eaten away at my soul for the last few years now. This illness that I have been so kindly diagnosed with is an illness that has no end. Sure there are moments of quietness and moments of happiness, but over all is is just time spent waiting for the next up or down? I have grown to look at the moments of calmness like the moments before a storn as I never know what is coming or if I am going to be able to deal with it?

I have been reading a number of things these days, books on poetry to books on a"self help" of sorts, ie..how to be a better person and become more sociable? Overall I am learning that of all these things I am reading are things that I have known or done in the past and my soul is looking at them as past files that I have lived before?

All in all I guess what I am saying here is that even though this illness has bruised my sould and I have watched my life fall apart almost to a zero, I know the keys to make a comeback, and the comeback willl be like the others I have experienced, only bigger and better. And like Nietzsche I will be stronger for the agony!

Frustration and Web Browsers

2009-02-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the reason I haven't been posting lately is that for some reason the browser I normally use hasn't been allowing me to sign in. I normally use Opera for a browser, and have only recently been having an issue with signing in to this Blog. On the upside I have figured out what the problem is and it is an easy fix. So enough of that!

On to bigger and more important things. I haven't checked my last post, so I do not know off of the top of my head when or what I posted about? But I will say that the last few months have been a sort of hell! I went two months with out meds and then once I started them again, it takes about two months before they start working again! So I am just now reaching the "Four" month mark which means my meds are just now starting to work! So this is the positive news and I have to admit that I am finally feeling better, but as we all know this often can be temporary, and usually is!!!

However, I will just keep moving forward and doing what I can to feel better, and trying to stay away from the negative stuff that tears away at ones soul and creates larger issues when one is BP.

I am glad that I am able to sign in once again and look forward to more post. So I will keep this one brief and say it is good to be back and remind you to check my other blog. Just google Five inch monkey.

LTR

A difficult day to play!

2008-11-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

Somedays are pretty good, and others just suck! Anyone who knows about BP knows this, and it should come to no surprise to anyone that knows anyone with BP? For example, a few days ago I was doing really bad, I slept for whole days and then slept for whole nights, I had so much garbage stressing me out that I honestly didn't know what to do? So after suffering for a few days, it kind of subsided and today wasn't too bad?

However, if you are a BP you know what a trigger is, and if you are not a BP I will tell you what a BP is, and why it can be a very bad thing! A trigger is something that can ellicit a negative response in you from just being near you or sometimes you just think about it, I guess it could also bring a super manic mode out too, but I don't see those as bad as super depressive modes. It is likely because I suffer from more depression then mania. However, one of my triggers popped its ugly head up today, and it was kind of interesting as I had to make a choice as to how I was going to deal with the whole thing? And then it struck me, I got to make the choice? For the first time in a very long time I was able to make the choice, to some degree, but to make it so that it wasn't as bad as it could have been?

Now, the problem for ascertianing the real answer here is a little more difficult? On one hand I could say that the power was with in me to "Choose" to make this decision, however, on the other hand it could have been the medicine that maybe finally started working to some degree? (One of the problems with BP meds is that if you change meds as I am prone to do too often, not by choice but necessity. It can take anywhere from 2 weeks to 8-10 weeks for it to really take affect?) For me it almost always seems to be the longer, and then suddenly it no longer works for me and boom, I have to try a new med.

So with this being said, I think I choose this morning to deal with the creature and so far so good, the worst aspect of it is that it continued eating at my soul all day, via e-mails of course, but I just kept my cool and tried to stay on an even keel. So far, so good!

the idea for todays writing is basically this, if someone like me who can be prone to outburst and for a lot of BP's that I have seen that are a lot worse then I am. I made the choice today to let someone else control my day, and I chose to let them wallow in their own misery, and I went out and had a fairly good day! So for all of you out there that let those little "Negative Creeps" into your day and they try to bring you down, just think about this, if you were a BP's, how would you handle the situation? Only you can controld your behavior and the way you act with others, notice I didn't say re-act, I said act? Because when you act withh someone and they are trying to drag you down, you are maintaining yourself, but when you "Re-Act" you are allowing the "Negative Creeps" to control you, and this is not what you want!

Be the better person, try to change your world not other peoples. Be who you want, not a reaction to someone else's idea, or bad idea. If a person like me, who has to depend on chemicals sometimes to keep me level can do it, so can you! So be that person you really want, and control your own actions!

OT, But important!

2008-10-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, lately every time I want to write something here I sign on the normal way. However, I am noticing something, normally I use Opera as my preferred browser, and once in a while when things will not work I use Firebox. But, I have spent the last half an hour trying to sign on and change my passwords, and doing everything that I could think of to sign on to my damn blog account and I couldn't get on. Then suddenly it hits me, try the regular Microsoft browser? And guess what? Viola! It works!

I am talking about Google, the big company that is all about using alternative sources for I-Net, the ground breaking company that is all about being innovative and creating everything, and suddenly I cannot use my damn Blog on Opera or Firefox? WTF?

See, I have sat here for all of this time, and I had ideas for my blog, but because I spent more time trying to figure out how sign on to this account, never thing it would be Microsoft that would hold the key?

Now, I know what you are going to say, check your settings, blah, blah, blah....I will admit, I did have an issue last week with some virus stuff, so maybe things got changed, and I will check that. But, this isn't the first time this has happened! I have been a long time opera user, I think I have been using Opera for about 10 years or so. Why all of a sudden does it lock me out???

Well, I am finally back in, and I guess I will have to try using MSN so that I can post on this Blog. So I will talk to you later, and please check back as I have been trying to write more often here, and I will be working on my fiveinch monkey blog as well.

Take care all, and to stay in context, I am doing ok, and I had some stuff to write about, but I will try to remember for tomorrow's post.

Ciao!

Can you catch Bi-Polar????

2008-10-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sleep, the evasive aspect of life that I have always had an issue with! I have since I was a small child had an issue with sleeping for more then a few hours at a time. It is one of the fun things about the "Illness"! Or so I have been told.?

As I have said in earlier post I have always had an idea that there was an issue with me being depressed, and missing sleep was one of the keys that someone should have picked up on? But then again like most people with this illness, I learned to hide aspects of life from others, and sleep was one of them. I could stay up all night long and then go to school and not thing twice about it? But I never told anyone that I wasn't sleeping. And obviously it was the same with sleeping too much, I got around this saying that I was going to my room to read and when I was depressed I would just sleep. And if by some chance someone discovered I would just say I feel to sleep reading.

One of the hardest parts that I have had to deal with is something that although I have had the knowledge of my illness, is something that is kind of odd. It is even a bit difficult to understand? Part of my illness is that I can have both a Depressive state and a hypomanic state at the same time. Basically I call this the Bi-Polar Speedball! I am depressed and in a state of manic behavior. This took me a long time to work this out because A) It is a strange concept & B) Bi-Polar is a odd enough illness, let alone when you toss in ideas of being both in a depressive state as well as a manic state.

So I can be sitting somewhere and be in a depressed mode and all of a sudden I have a ton of energy and no way of dealing with it? Conversely I can also be in a manic mode and running around or be at work and all of a sudden I can fall into a depressed state and as much as I want to slow down and just crawl into a bed and self depreciate I just cannot? I feel I have to keep moving! Because of these two types of behavior states, it has always made it more difficult for me, let alone others to actually figure out that I am BP. I do have to give some credit to one person. I was dating years ago, and she also has BP, and she figured out that I was BP, well actually she said: "I think you have a little BP in you?". And since she was a professional in the health field, and worked with BP'rs and was also a BP'r, what she said had a bit of credibility? Only I didn't take to heart what she said, it was always there, it was just never a large enough issue back then. However, it has been said that the older one gets and they do not get the BP taken care of, the worse it gets.

And guess what, it was about 6-7 years later before I figured it out. Well, with my Dr's help and the help of help of my "Partner" at the time. We figured out that maybe there was a potential issue with this possible illness. Well, it took about a year before we determined that I actually had it. The strange thing about this illness is that there is no test? They just ask you a bunch of questions, and over the course of time it is determined that one has the illness. It is really strange? But, when it all comes to it, all Bi-Polar really is is just a chemical imbalance. Much like diabetes. So, the next time you meet someone with the Bi-Polar illness, remember that it isn't anything that you can catch, it is just more like your Aunt or Uncle who has Diabetes, and it's not like you can catch anything from them either?

Till next time......Keep this in mind, If you don't try something new, you'll never learn anything new and what fun is that?

Ciao!

Recent experiences and behaviors

2008-10-18T12:43:00.001-07:00

It has been quite a while since my last post, like everything in life there is a multitude of reasons. On the upside many of my main hurdles are now gone. Not that I am the only one with life hurdle, but some of mine took a little more energy then I thought they would.

I am beginning to learn some of the not so obvious difficulties of living with this illness. One of them being that when some people find out that someone has this illness, they automatically change their course of behavior and want to treat the person with BP as a sort of pariah. Now I am open and as honest as I can be, and I try to let everyone know what is going on with me, but there are times when it is better to hold back a little, especially when you meet someone and you are not sure which way the relationship will go. I have always said that I am not ashamed of this illness, especially because I didn't ask for it, and I would never wish it on someone. With this being said I would love for people to take the time to ask me questions, or ask anyone with this questions. When the dust settles, it is just that at times our brains run a "bit" faster, and at other times, we feel we are justified in curling up in a ball and hiding for days. I am trying to simplify this illness, I am just trying to say to others that it isn't as bad as holly wood or your grand parents make it out to be.

There are many well known people in the public eye with this illness, and many more that are not in the public eye. The one response I usually get from say about 80% of the people is, "Oh, my cousin has that, and it was a little rough at first, but now he is doing great!" And of course what they are saying is that now that he is on his Med's all the time he is fine. And this is the point, if you have this illness, you take Meds, and if you take Meds, you usually get better or at least stay at the Status Quo. (Which I am not sure if that is good? lol)

I am saying all this as I have of recently been shunned aside because of this illness, and I am positive that the person that did this never took the time to talk with a BP'r, let alone me about the illness.

Well more later, and it is good to be back. I lost my password for a while and couldn't get in. But hopefully I will be back writing more and sharing stories from either the speeding mind or of the Black hole lost in the darkness mind. Hopefully it will be more of the first one or the middle.

Times like these!

2008-06-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that most of us will be placed in a position that we are unable to do. Some of these things will be little things that we really don't care about, some of the other things will be of a level of importence to us personally, and this is where our inability will become a wall that we will take on as a personal battle.

Some of the problems that I deal with are because of my illness, and some are because of scenarios's that I have been placed in by chance, or choice. It doesn't matter really which one? But the one that is bothering me today is that I am sitting here and wishihng I could go do what I was invited to do with some friends, and I don't believe that I possess the strength to force myself to really go do it! And this is one of the greater of the pains of my illness. Because at times it makes me feel as if life is being taken away, and all I can do is watch!

When I look at the other side of life, and I watch all of the pain that is being brought on just because of some idiotic legal term, all the energy that is being sucked out of me because of all of this, it really upsets me!

When I am being consumed by all of this negative energy as I am now. This isn't a good thing for anyone! All it does is make and create bad feelings for everyone. And all this does is make my illness worse. Which in the end takes away from me what I really wish I could be doing right now, the thing my friends called me out to do in the first place.

As I said, sometimes we are forced into a place that we don't really want to be, and other times all we can hope to do is try to make the best of it, because some days I am not sure how I can, more often then not like an old friend whom was doomed to forever to roll a huge stone up the hill in Hades only to have it roll down again as it nears the top, over and over.

Games, Pain, and Honesty!

2008-06-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Thoughts ideas and general discomfort! I am being placed in a game that I don't want to really play, but as always if I am to play, there is only one objective. And since we all know what that is, there is not point in going on.

I am sitting hear looking for ideas and options for what to do in the next few weeks? If you read back a bit you will see that I have been placed in a situation that I really do not wish to be in? And because I am in this are, I have to look out for myself, and do as I do when my back is at the wall. I guess that in some way I actually enjoy being in this state, and the reason is that when I am in this state I get to step forward, and say what is on my mind and not worry about the repercussions, because I know the thoughts have been been thought out, and the ideas are not just yelled about because of an emotional "reaction".

As you can see, and as I have learned, I am not normally one that prefers to be in the scenario where I have to be the aggressive one. I have told many people in the past and some were smart enough to understand that I wasn't just talking out of my ass. But I have always said; "Don't take my kindness for weakness!" I may seem passive at times. But that is because I don't wish to play litle games that some choose to play, but don't kid yourself, it is not weakness! It is because I choose to stand back and observe, I have always believed that you can learn more by watching others, then yelling screaming and generally making an ass of yourself.

So what do I end up doing during this "Fun time"? I will take my time, move forward and if I play right, I'll hopefully be able to treat others right, while remebering that, in this game that I play, there are others feelings out there, and unless they directly confront me, I will continue to treat them fair and honestly. But the important thing for me is and always will be.....When it is time for the game, I still want to Win!

Play Fair, Play Hard, but remember to Win!

Phobia's, playing Dr. and Music and a haircut!

2008-04-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am going to try to put a song in here, but it probably won't work? So here is the blog anyway...

So I am on the phone with my Drug Dr. today and she kind of brings up an interesting point. Only I am not sure if she noticed it or not? I had mentioned that all of my life I have always felt worn out and not myself for a few days after a big party, or even some kind of social event?

Well, last week we had a convention of sorts and afterwards I was just a wreck! I was depressed and I felt angry at everyone and I just wasn’t myself? I let her know that even though we had talked about raising my Zoloft to 150mg from 100mg, I hadn’t raised the levels. I said that I was thinking that since it took my body so long to into the Zoloft in the first place, maybe I should just give myself a little more time, and hopefully the Zoloft would kind of find it’s own place and I would start to feel my normal self.

Well, this wasn’t the case and all that happened was that things got worse. And my emotions and moods became a little more edgy and nastier. I was yelling at people and I was just an unhappy person all the way around. (So much for that little test? Lol)

So it seems that the increase in the Zoloft maybe that the difference I needed. Maybe on top of this little Bi-Polar thing there are some other things that it is possible the Zoloft may be picking up on? For Example: When I was younger, and I would talk to people, I would always say that I was shy, and introverted. However, no one ever believed me? I couldn’t understand it? I was baffled that they couldn’t see that I was this shy person.

But as I have grown older, and as I have learned about my illness I am beginning to think that maybe, I really am shy, it was just that when I was younger I had more “Mania” behaviors them depressive ones, and when I was manic I was anything but shy? But once I hit one of my depressive modes, boom: There I was Mr. Shy introverted me, and no one would believe me because the shy stages were either me hiding away, or me just being “pensive” as everyone used to call me. “Oh Him, he is just being in one of his Pensive moods again!” Or “Watch out, he is being moody again!”. Both of these were things I used to hear all the time growing up and during college.

So, what have I learned? Nothing as of yet? Because I do not know, but we’ll see what happens with all of this stuff. If the Zoloft works maybe my little societal cynicisms will fade like the hair line on Joe Jackson’s head. And if it doesn’t work, well……Like all of the other drugs I get to try, maybe we’ll start a new one?

By the way if the song doesn't get put in here it was "Needle in the Hay" Elliot Smith

Ok, it isn't looking too promising, so I will do two things, I will post the link to the video for the song, I really like the connection. And two I will try to embedded the song into the page here, so hopefully either way..........you can see.

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Or try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pyBB7y8fDU&feature=related

It is a great song, and very ethereal, and the video is almost too real..

Enjoy, and don't read too much into it, just read while the mucsic plays...

Nothing too much, just a note.

2008-04-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I came here with the intent of writing something about the way Bi-Polars think about things. But about half way thru the thought process I got lost and decided that I didn't like what I was writing, so we all know what happens to stuff like that! DDDDDDDDelete!

Anyways, things are about the same, I miss my pals, as you can see in my last post. My chemicals seem to be tryng to stay even, but it is difficult to tell as I have so much stress going on that some days I am not even sure what I am doing?

It seems that my memories are reaping vengence on me for some reason, as they seep into my dreams and create new aspects that were never there. They pop into my head when I am not thinking about anything even close to that particular memory? Not sure why this happens or if it even means anything? But, my guess is that it is all part of my healing process.

Be back soon...

A Sunny day and a Past I wish I could have again!

2008-04-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

Been away as of lately, and life changes as it always does. Today is one of those days where your memories seem to rule your thoughts and all you can do is ruminate over lost loved ones and things they loved to do on such a beautiful sunny day. Porter loved Sunny days, and I guess you could say that there are not too many dogs that don't love a good warm day where they can lay in the sun and enjoy the light of love that has been shining on you.

I believe that most all of us can use a good sunny day, and I also believe that we can learn from certain animals and their behaviors. Laying in the Sun and appreciating the heat that it emits is always good. Laying in the Sun and having loved ones about always helps! Some of my, as I am sure their happiest days were when Kaya, Porter and myself would lay in the back yard in the sun like a pack of wolves that are fattened the day after a good meal. There honestly are not many things better! Enjoying the heat and flopping over, maybe pawing at one another, but mostly just enjoying each other's company.

But as with all of us life does go on, and as it does for some, for others it must pause. Kaya was the first, she was the pack leader when I wasn't around, and she was the one that taught me about the Sun and the gifts it held. She and I would lay there for hours in those where the days I could get my brain to stop, and I could just enjoy the warmth and the feeling of my love with me. As time went by, Porter came along and like most puppies he didn't know much about the sun, except it was something to do when you were done playing. The two older "Wolves" would lay there somewhat annoyed at times and amused other times. But Porter grew to love to love the Sun like few I have ever met. While Kaya and I grew old and moved a little more slowly, Porter began to understand about how to get us worked up, and then he would get all of us in a group and there we would lay, just the three of us. I am sure my neighbors would look out and wonder what the hell drugs I was on, or maybe what drugs I needed? Lol I learned many lessons from those two and many of them included the Sun.

However as I said, life has a way of pausing for some of us at different times. Kaya passed away a few years ago, and that left Porter and myself and well the Sun. Porter and I always knew she was looking at us and wishing she could be with us, but maybe one day? Porter always knew how to get me to lay in the Sun with him, especially as I grew more ill, he could always drag me over and remind me of the heat, the love and the memories of the three “Wolves” that used to lay there as much as possible. I somehow think the two of us would lay there sometimes in the driveway and I think that we both tried real hard to make believe that our girl was with us. Porter would sometimes tire before I did more times then not because his fur was almost black. But in the days as he grew older and I grew more ill, he would be able to stay out there and I think he enjoyed that more then most anything. Except a good ride in my car.

About a month ago Porter passed away. And as I sit here with tears in my eyes, and the Sun is shinning out there I know a few things I will never forget. I will never forget the three of us laying in the yard on any given sunny afternoon, and I will never forget Kaya nor what she taught me, including the Sun. I will never forget how close Porter and I became after Kaya’s passing. And I will never forget what he taught me about life, and the Sun as well.
So here I am and this trip has taken about 15 – 16 years or so combined, and it is a warm Sunny day here where I live. And all I can do is go out there and pretend that I am laying there with my “pack”. (I say that pretend to lay because of a number of external factors.) But, I am getting a lot of the Sun by just being out there, and because of these thoughts, and the love that I always believed in! No matter what happens with my illness, and no matter where life takes me, I want to believe that my pack is still with me, in heart and in belief.

So take a moment, and if you have your own little pack, take out some time and enjoy some of the things they enjoy, maybe you’ll develop your own little pack rituals. And while you’re on the way it is likely you’ll have some great Memories too!

R.I.P Kaya

Kaya in her last few days, I would carry her out there, and the three of us would lay there!

R.I.P. Porter

Porter on the Couch, I bet he was thinking about the Sun though?

The illness and how it is sometimes accepted

2008-02-17T12:13:00.000-08:00

I was on one of the message boards that I frequently go to for Bi-Polar and I was in an interesting conversation with a guy and we were talking about how difficult it is for some people to accept that someone has Bi-Polar, as well as how difficult it is for some people with Bi-Polar to come to terms with the fact that they actually have Bi-Polar. (This is a really difficult issue for some people, it can take years for some people to “come to terms” with the fact that they have Bi-Polar”.)

Anyways this is some of my thoughts on the subject, both of how others see people with Bi-Polar, and how some of us see our self as people with this illness.

There is a bit of an agreement among some in the Bi-Polar community that some of us actually have an understanding that we have the disease, however it would be safe to say that it might be easier to explain to some people that there may be a higher level of credibility if we were in a wheelchair? I think there are many people who would be more able to accept that they have an illness if they were in a wheel chair. As well as other people looking at us and understanding that it is a disease if we were in a wheel chair too. But just because we are not in a wheel chair doesn’t take away from the idea that we actually have an illness that sometimes dictates our behavior.

I know for me as I said I have always pretty much known there was a problem, but it took me most of my life just to reach out, and after that about 2 years just to accept that I was Bi-Polar. I have met others who have been told most of their life that they had it, and they still refused to accept that they had it. When it comes to others who do not have the illness, it is just as difficult to convey to them that we really are ill. Even after we lose everything and hit rock bottom, some people still don’t understand and think it is a choice. My ex wife is an example of this, we were together for four years and then I was diagnosed and for the next year and a half after my diagnosis, she still refused to accept that most of my behaviors were the illness, not my choice.

Since my diagnosis I have seen many similarities in others that I have been lucky enough to chat with. And I think this kind of helps my premise for my reasoning on this subject?
I still believe that if we try to take control and do things that keep us healthy we have a much better chance of not being a 70-80 year old person and still going thru the same ups and downs that are part of this illness. Obviously keeping in mind the severity of one’s illness is a partial key to this sort of chance. But I think if we try to work on it, and accept that we have an illness, and maybe even learn to reach out, I honestly believe that this may help?

So maybe if we stop thinking of ourselves as a person with out hope, and maybe if we think of ourselves as people that have been given a chance to reach out beyond our normal realm of thinking, there is the possibility that we can reach new areas in our cognitive abilities? We define strength within ourselves under a terminology that we choose, and I believe if we choose to think this way, maybe we can redefine strength to our selves? And accordingly make our life as a Bi-Polar a little bit better!

The feelings started around 10 or 12

2008-02-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

After I was first diagnosed with BP, I was a bit unsure that it was true. Mostly because I had the feeling that BP like most illness trends that are at times vague and have no real "tests" to determine the actual illness itself have the tendency to be "over diagnosed". So I thought like most people that maybe I was just being "grouped" in and given some meds because they were kind of hoping I would continue taking them, and the stock prices would continue going up, etc...

Basically the first six months when I wasn't ill from the side effects for ill from the illness I was reflecting on my past. Going back to when I was a child of 10 or 11 years old. Thinking about what others may have thought was odd behavior, and the ways in which I eventually learned how to hide these behaviors. And after that the ways in which I learned what these feeling were and all of the fun that something like this much reflection entails.

I can remember myself at 12 years old being depressed and not really understanding what was going on? I just felt this numbness like feeling. And it wasn't just once or twice this went on for many years. After a while I started looking for activities that would make me feel things, like pain, or fear. Anything that would knock off this “overcoat of numbness” that I felt like I was wearing thru all of those years. Something that made me feel a little vulnerable, but not giving in too much? Keep in mind this was just during my depressive states. When I would be in a manic state, I was the one that people would dare to do something, and I would almost always be the first to do it. Whether I was in a manic state or a "normal" state, I was pretty much up for just about anything? And of course, my friends were more then willing to provide me with the dare!

This type of behavior eventually kind of faded for a little while, and then it came back during college, and when I would mix large amounts of Alcohol in there, it was a recipe for disaster. It got to the point at times that I was afraid to go out, because I knew something was going to happen, but I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew there was something wrong? I eventually started calling it “being on auto pilot”. Because once I started drinking, the mania would kick in, and it was like my brain would just go back home and read a book, but my being would be out partying until god knows when? The numbness started going into a different direction in those days. I will cover that in my next post.

TBC....

How much control do you have over your behavior?

2008-02-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

On one of the message boards that I belong to someone asked the following question; "How much control do you have over your behaviors?" Of course this was a Bi-Polar message board and the person that was asking was asking in reference to someone with Bi-Polar. So after thing it over I responded accordingly.

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Here is my reply:

This is an interesting question, not just from the Bi-Polar point of view, but from a philosophical point of view as well!

I agree with you in that it is a label that too often is used to absolve someone from their responsibility or their behaviors. I also believe that many people choose to use this label for an excuse for their behaviors. (Obviously this is dependent on the severity of an illness.) But I think most people choose to use the label as a way to "excuse them" from some behaviors. Infidelity, Lying, etc...

However, I think that once someone has been "labeled" BP, that they are usually still cognizant of morally and principally wrong behaviors. Obviously this is assuming that they are on medications and taking them in accordance to their Dr.’s orders. This being said; I would understand that there are some behaviors that it would be a bit more difficult to assume control. For example: The base outlines of this illness. Ie.. Depression & Mania. I don’t think that we have control over this and obviously this is part of the problem. Which of course is why we are on the medicinal cocktails that most of us take on a daily basis? I say base outlines because these are the parameter guidelines for this illness. (Lying, Cheating, stealing are not considered the basis for Bi-Poler.)

So if you are asking how much can we control the base concerns, I would say little, if you ask how much control can we have of the ancillary issues, I would guess that once you have come to terms with the illness, you should be able to control a principle based behavior. (Of course this is premised on the severity of the illness. For example if one has severe hallucinations and sever paranoia then this would obviously change. It is likely that at this point the person may not be a “Functioning member of society”?)

But once again, there is the question of “coming to terms” with the illness. What does that mean, and can it mean different things for everyone? I can only speak for myself, but I believe that if one understands the basis for their illness and understands what the key components; depression & mania for example can do to them, and what the possible implications of these two concerns can and likely be, that a person would at least be getting close to “coming to terms”. I guess the real key here is that if someone understands that things like cheating on your spouse, or Lying to others, or even stealing are principally wrong in their given culture, that they relinquish their ability to say that this Label caused them to behave in that way.

So as long as I know the difference between what the guidelines for my illness are, I can be that much more in control. Obviously there will be exceptions, not just for me, but for everyone.

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If anyone differs in opinion, please feel free to drop me a line, I would be interested in hearing what you have to say?

My Best Friend, the Mayor!

2008-02-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

Well a few days ago I got some bad news. The picture at right the big guy who is my best friend may be really sick once again? However for the last few days he has seemed his old self, so maybe, just maybe we have been able to hold back the illness for a while.

Porter, that's his name, Porter has had more surgery then most people I know? He has had enough mass cell tumors to fill a litter of dogs. My ex-wife and I had done everything we could to stop the Damn cancer as best we could! He has actually had three operations to remove seperate instances in the last 12 months. It always happens to the "Good Ones".

I was talking with one of the Nurse's at the Dog hospital that Porter goes to, and she said that, and I couldn't agree more. Porter is an amazing Dog, he has over come quite a bit, and has served as a sort of good will Ambasador for his breed. He is a Pit Bull and a Lab Mix. Porter has never had an angry moment, never been mean or vicious to anyone. It is kind of funny because when people meet him, they are sometimes a little spooked. They are spooked because of the stories that the media continues to publish about these Vicious Pit Bull attacks. And this is what everyone wants to focus on. You almost never hear the good stories about this bread.

Well, Porter is a good story, he has always been a great Dog. When he is at the Dog park playing with the other dogs and someone new starts to walk into the park area, Porter for some reason has taken it upon himself to stop playing and go over to every new person that walks in the play area and first he greets the owner, then he greets the Dog. We jokingly call him the Mayor. It is quite funny, because it is just something that he started doing on his own? It is this reason as well as the multitude of other odd behaviors that I call him my best friend!

To be Continued...

Another day, another $1.94

2008-01-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

Another day, another $1.94

I wish, lol actually the day was spent running around and taking care of various things that needed my attentions. However when I did finish I was completely taxed! It is odd, but I have been very tired both mentally and physically after a few hours of activity? Mostly, mentally tired! I literally have to just "close off" the world and kind of "re-charge"! It is kind of like letting the reverberations of the day fizzle out. If that make any sense? But the problem is that if I start at 7am the recharge has to be around noon? And like I said the other day, this is probably because of my coping mechanisms are a little "low"?

This illness takes so much from you, and in ways I never would have thought? Not only does it slow you down in many ways, it also makes you look at life a little differently! In some ways I listen to the ways that some people talk, the volume, the cadence the flow of the syntax. And in doing this you learn a lot more about the people, not to say that I didn't do this prior to becoming officially ill, but, I believe that I do it with a more detailed approach? I also think that maybe I do it to see if I can tell if someone may also be BP?

In case you have never spoken with a BP'r, we can most times tell is someone that we meet may have BP, or something similar? Someone the other day said something about it being because as a person who has BP, we have spent our lives in sort of an emotional hiding game. And if we see someone doing the same kind of thing it kind of sets off a bell in our head. The person made a great point in saying that BP people "Don't have open mood swings", and then she said she that one way she has learned is"to recognize someone with an illness is by the way they allow others to perceive them...make sense?" I thought this was an interesting perspective and I think it goes back to our need and ability to hide our illness from everyone. In keeping certain aspects from others we feel that we are not letting our illness out of the bag. And when someone like the person who stated this, or even myself sees someone who is doing this it sets off a bell and then we have a pretty good idea as to the others potential!

So be warned......we know you're out there!

Just kidding, of course you're out there!

Some considerations

2008-01-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to stay pretty busy, but in staying busy I pay for it in that buy doing this it takes a serious toll on my illness.
I am so entirely mentally drained after just a few hours that I feel like I need to shut off from the rest of the world! And I have been trying to "expand" my ability, but it is taking some time. I was at a meeting last night and we were discussing things like this, and I mentioned this, and someone brought up an interesting point. I have only been feeling "kind of" good for just about six weeks. (Obviously I am not factoring in all of the various factors that are wreaking havoc in my life these days. Let's just say that Divorce is one of them!)

Now six weeks sounds like a fair amount of time, but think about this, I was really sick, ie ..depressed for over a year. So, maybe as usual I am not giving myself enough credit? I have been battling this for the last year and a half, and in al of that I want to be able to jump back in the game and be like my old self, but I think if I force that on myself, I may end up in the same place I was before Thanksgiving? (Which was when I was hospitalized.)

In so many ways I want to get back in the game, but I know that in doing this I have to choose my methods, time frame and paths wisely! Because when you have BP, you never really know when the Beast will pop out and have a little fun on its own, by tear into my soul and messing up everything I have worked on to try to regain some level of normality.

Normal is one thing, but being able to get back in the game is my goal, I just have to do what I can to be smart about my path!

Day by Day, Minute by Minute

2008-01-11T11:23:00.001-08:00

Some days things seem that they can go one way, and suddenly they end up going the other way. Wednesday I was feeling pretty down and I feared that the black days were coming back. And if anyone who has BP knows, this is indeed a very scary feeling. It is like you don't have a choice, you try to think positive thoughts and try to move quite a bit more physically. And you hope that it won't come. But it usually does and then all you can do is wait, wait for what you hope is the end. And like I said before, you look for those seconds in the minutes where you are not in that Black Mode!

Well, I went to bed feeling this way and as usual I couldn't sleep! Of course I had to get up early the next day, (Isn't always that way?) so after doing the things that needed my attention thursday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself in a good mood? and of course when this happens I think I get more suspect then I really should, butI think you can understand why?

One of the difficult things about being Bi-Polar is that you never really know which mood you may wake up with, or which you will go to bed with? Especially if you are a Rapid Cycle type.
You have to enjoy the minutes, and it kind of teaches you to stay focused on the current moment, rather then get caught up in the mass of BS that we do most of the time.

I guess in some ways there are some good things about being BP, but like everything in life, you have to look for them.

The joy of being me

2008-01-09T17:14:00.000-08:00

I was working on another blog I have, and suddenly I thought? Hey, didn't I start one a few months ago? Sure enough here it is.

Lots and lots of fun things have been going on in my world since my last post. Although the post was in August, my depression stayed and got much worse until a bit after Thanksgiving. I was in the Hospital for thanksgiving and stayed for about a week. The depression had gotten so bad and I just couldn't take it anymore. So for a time frame view, I was depressed for over 1 year. One year of my life sucked away by this damn illness.

In that time I had one house go into foreclosure, had to file bankrupcy. And now Divorce.

I am not trying to bum anyone out with my stories of woe, I am just trying to share with others who have this illness, or know someone who has it. I once said that I would never wish this on my worst enemy. And this is still true.

There is a shimmering light at the end of the tunnel though, and I hope its not a train coming at me? I believe that there is only one way for life to go, and that is up! Everything has to get better, because when you are at Zero, where else can you go?

ps. my other blog isn't about any of this, so if you're interested google Five inch Monkey.

Been Away

2007-08-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

I recently sent an e-mail to a friend and I made a statement that it felt like every minute of every day seems like it is trying to get back a few seconds. This is what it feels like at times, especially when I am in a depressed state. There are times that I think I am not even sure that I am in such a state, and suddenly something will tilt me over and viola, I am done for!

I believe that as I track back the minutes of the day, I am looking for seconds of time when I am not depressed, or seconds when it is sitting on the back shelf and I look at it, realize it is there, and just say, "I hope that doesn't tilt over at the wrong time?" We all know that it will tip and there isn't a lot I can do about it, except look for those seconds and keep hoping that they add up to minutes.

Positive thinking and BiPolar can it work again?

2007-07-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

I have often thought that the way one allows their mind to go is the way they will become. I have learned that only part of this is true. After being diagnosed I went into a tail spin that is only matched by the tail spin that preceeded the diagnosis. Once I was diagnosed I was too often down and always unmotivated regarding just about everything. I didn't want this and I tried to make the way clear, however my mind took over and all I could do was be depressed. What my mind needed was some chemical help.

The signs were there as far back as the early 1990's when I just couldn't get things going, I was drinking too much and too often depressed. My life was a Roller coaster. That is when I started the self help / positive thinking information. I did everything I could to pull myself out of the hole. At one point I even did a little conditioning response therapy on myself. (Which now that I think about it sounds like a good idea to start again? Hell it worked once, it may just work again.) I may have gotten lucky and been able to keep the Dogs at bay so to speak for a while. But I do know there were up and downs during the last 15 year or so.

The reality is that the positive thinking stuff may possibly be the only thing that saved me? I had put so much positive stuff into my head over the years that it kept me from drowning myself in my own misery. I had always known that I had a problem with depression, but I think between the self medication and positive thoughts, books and what not I was able to
sustain a level normalacy.

However like many things in our lives we cannot continue to put things off as it will show to
some people. When they see it, hopefully they are close enough to you that they can tell you and be open and honest with you, and you have to do the same. There is only so much you can fit into the Basket eventually things will start to fall out.

Lesson I have learned: All of that positive thinking stuff, books, tapes and seminars does work, however sometimes when things are down low, you need a little chemical help.
And that is where I am today, using chemicals to maintain my levels and thinking that
I may need to "re-educate myself on the positive thinking realm.

Time heals.....some

2007-07-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ok so a few days have gone by and the sky is clearer, and the air less thick. The hardest part is that you have to tell yourself that it will get better, that sometime in the next week it should get better. But in the mean time it can be so damn frustrating, it is like you have this boulder on your head, and you cannot quite push it off of you. I guess we all get to play sisyphus from time to time. (just in case: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=sisyphus)

On the other hand I learned that Richard Jeni committed suicide the other recently. It was actually a few months ago, but it still seems recent. The Comedy world lost a great character! I actually liked this guy, I guess this is why it kind of hit me, not to mention he was suffering from serious depression. I wonder why is it that everytime there is someone in show business that I start to like and actually kind of respect, they end up dead? Very strange.

Mitch Hedberg, Richard Jeni, Bill Hicks......to name a few.

Today I was Thinking..

2007-07-12T19:33:00.001-07:00

Today I was thinking about what it is like to have Bi-Polar, what it is like at various stages, the ups and downs and inbetween. So I decided I would do a blog and kind of keep track of all of this stuff.
My intent is to be able to look back over time and learn what I am like at times during each stage, and hopefully be able to share this with some people who know me and don't quite understand what it is I am going thru, and or what it is like to live with this thing they call Bi-Polar.

Today was miserable, and still is. I have been just hanging in there all day. Which seems to be what a lot of being down is about. Just hanging in there and not really losing it, or more importantly not losing it and not knowing where it will go? When you have a wet towel over your head and your eyes are semi filled with tears at any thought of good bad, etc. It is often difficult to tell where anything will go? Do you sit there and cry, do you sit there and stare at a wall, do I try to keep busy, or try to put myself in a position where I am surrounded by others? This is what I do not know, what I ask myself time after time when I am in this state.