My Favrite line......"I'm Broken!" or at least cracked?

Let me just start out by just saying FUCK!!! It has been a hellish month or so, and to be honest I am wiped out!!! There have been too many mornings that I have woken up and tried to think of reasons why I shouldn't off myself, and if I am not thinking of that I am thinking and wondering why it has to be me? Why do I get to deal with this shitty feeling, or feelings!!!

I Started to do ok for a few days as we edged up my meds and I was thinking, ok this may work......Then one of my least favorite side effects starts to kick in and I talk to my Dr. and realize that I have to do something. So we reduce the dosage and wait.........and then it starts, the upset stomach, the headache, the irratability.......and keep in mind this is just reducing the medication by 1/2 of the regular dosage. I can only imagine what it would be like if we just stopped it all together? So, here I sit in all of this pain and what not and then the reason I started to reduce the meds decides that it will just fade away.....Fvck X 100!!! So what do I do now? So last night I was still feeling a bit like shit and I took a little bit of the old dose to see if it would make me feel any better? Well, maybe, it is very difficult to tell? I don't think I will keep taking the higher dosage and just see what happens, because for some damn reason I feel ok today?

So on to new and other joyous and painful happiness related things for someone like myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no one that wants a broken me around them, they do at first because it offers them an idea that they can fix me, but they cannot and once they figure this out, they want to leave. And to be honest I cannot blame them. I can be a basket case. I couldn't see myself entering into a relationship with someone just because they are broken? Unless, and I have done this, it was the reason that they were broken that interested me? And yes I have dne this, I am that stupid. It wasn't that I wanted to fix them, it was because I found some chick/Woman that was broken and there was something sexier about her being broken. Why do I, or have I done this?? Fuck if I know, but I can list on at least one hand over the last 20 years 405 Women that I have met that were broken and that I have felt a desire to date them?

Well, enough for now, maybe more later, but remember if you have what I have, or even if you do no not, at least try not to look like you are broken, as some people are afraid of that, and the ones that are interested, well........they might be worse then you.