Days, Nights and Selfish Behavior.......

More days and nights of moods that swing up and down....

Over all I am feeling a bit better these last few days and I am happy with this, as I am sure that most anyone would or could be!! As I stated in a previous post I asked me Dr. to lower the dosage of my Cymbalta as it was causing a side effect that I wasn't too happy with the overall effects. Well, after about a week and a half of kind of suffering I finally feel quite a bit better. I did have a headache as well as an upset stomach. And I also had a low grade sort of depression, and that was causing most of the issues. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that most any of your friends or loved ones can deal with just about anything, but for some reason they always have an issue with depression. And depression doesn't just effect you, it affects everyone around you and everyone that you care about and love.

I once heard someone say that Depression is a selfish illness, and to be honest for a long time I didn't understand what was meant by that, or what the person that said that could have meant about saying that. These days I think I have a grasp on that? These days I have watched what my depression and my overall illness has done to those who care about me and how it effects them when they see me.

When you are in your depressed state you are reclusive and you tend to push others out of your life, you don't mean to do this, you just do it because the natural thing for you to do is to hide yourself away from the ones you love or care about. Most times it isn't a real conscious thought, you just do it because it is what you have always done. It is what feels, well if anything feels good then hiding away and pushing others out of your life is what feels better. It really has nothing to do with who ever the person is, nor does it have anything to do with the ways they try to help you? The introversion is the small bit of relief that you get when you are in your Circle, and that is the only thing that can help with the pain. Of course this is not with standing the "Self Medication" or the "Real Medication" that the Dr's. try and give you? Because they do try, but it does take a very long time for this pain to ebb. And that is the goal, to have this pain go away.

When you are in pain, you forget those who are important to you, you forgot the little things they do to try and make your life a little bit better here and there? Most times in their hearts they really want you to feel better, and in all honesty, they really do not understand what the pain is, because it isn't that we try to hide the symptoms away from them, it isn't because we do not want them to know how much we hurt, it is more because we really do not know how to or even begin to explain what this pain feels like? I wish I could explain to some of the people who care about me and love me how it feels when I wake up, or how I feel as I trudge from bed to the breakfast table? I did try to explain to one person I was dating once and it scared her so much that she literally broke up with me that day. AS I said I don't blame her, I was honest with her and I was glad that she was honest with me. But the hard part is that it still makes us all, not just me, but all of us a bit "Gun Shy", when we try to explain things regarding our pain and how we feel over all to others about this illness that we are afflicted with!

And I think that maybe this is where some of this inability to explain to others why and how we feel as bad as we do is why this illness seems and is actually so selfish. In a lot of ways I do not think that we do it on purpose, although there may be times when we are selfish, because I am sure that you are like me and have been called everything else in the book when you are ill.

So with all of this I will try to keep today's post a bit shorter and end this now, but I will obviously come back to this subject over again as I am sure that I don't have all of the aspects of the subject down and like life, there is always something else for me to learn. And when it comes to Bi-Polar, there is always something else to learn!

Ciao!