So it has been a while since I have been here and usually I have an idea as to what I am going to write about before I start writing here? However I am just kicking back watching TV (Nitro Circus) and I felt like dropping a note.
Well lately I have been bouncing around more then Pam Anderson did on Bay Watch. I have been playing with my dosages and it has been costing me a lot of pain. When I say playing around it doesn't mean that I was intentionally doing this, I was more trying to play Dr. and adjust my meds because I was suffering too much depression and for some dumb reason I felt like if I adjusted one of my meds that it would level out the other med and cause me less depression.....in the words of Homer Simpson, Doh!
I have learned my lesson and will not adjust my meds again. It is just amazing what just little dosages can do to you? I am back on my regular dosage and I am beginning to feel much better. If you know anything about taking depression medications you know that it doesn't just take one day for the meds to work, it can take up to about 4 - 8 weeks, and even then the degrees at which the medication, (At least in my case) can adjust slowly and even though it may start working at or around 4-6 weeks, there seems to be a continual curve at which the medications continue to work. Sometimes they may start to work and then they will just fall off the chart and you won't feel anything after that? Other times it will continually work and eventually it will work for good. Well good is a relative term, as good can mean many things when it comes to medications for BP or Depression. Meaning it may work for a little while and then slowly fall off and then eventually not work at all, or it may just keep working for, well for a very long time. I know some people that take the same medication that they were perscribed when they were initially diagnosed. So it is really a hit or miss kind of game, and the wonderful thing is that is varies from person to person?
So the gist of what I am saying here is don't be a dumbass like me, and I know it is very tempting, and I know that it is very likely that you will, but I can at least say it isn't a good idea. And like all people that tell us that something isn't a good idea.....we all go and do it because sometimes experience is the better teacher!
Have fun and make sure you take all your meds!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Days, Nights and Selfish Behavior.......
More days and nights of moods that swing up and down....
Over all I am feeling a bit better these last few days and I am happy with this, as I am sure that most anyone would or could be!! As I stated in a previous post I asked me Dr. to lower the dosage of my Cymbalta as it was causing a side effect that I wasn't too happy with the overall effects. Well, after about a week and a half of kind of suffering I finally feel quite a bit better. I did have a headache as well as an upset stomach. And I also had a low grade sort of depression, and that was causing most of the issues. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that most any of your friends or loved ones can deal with just about anything, but for some reason they always have an issue with depression. And depression doesn't just effect you, it affects everyone around you and everyone that you care about and love.
I once heard someone say that Depression is a selfish illness, and to be honest for a long time I didn't understand what was meant by that, or what the person that said that could have meant about saying that. These days I think I have a grasp on that? These days I have watched what my depression and my overall illness has done to those who care about me and how it effects them when they see me.
When you are in your depressed state you are reclusive and you tend to push others out of your life, you don't mean to do this, you just do it because the natural thing for you to do is to hide yourself away from the ones you love or care about. Most times it isn't a real conscious thought, you just do it because it is what you have always done. It is what feels, well if anything feels good then hiding away and pushing others out of your life is what feels better. It really has nothing to do with who ever the person is, nor does it have anything to do with the ways they try to help you? The introversion is the small bit of relief that you get when you are in your Circle, and that is the only thing that can help with the pain. Of course this is not with standing the "Self Medication" or the "Real Medication" that the Dr's. try and give you? Because they do try, but it does take a very long time for this pain to ebb. And that is the goal, to have this pain go away.
When you are in pain, you forget those who are important to you, you forgot the little things they do to try and make your life a little bit better here and there? Most times in their hearts they really want you to feel better, and in all honesty, they really do not understand what the pain is, because it isn't that we try to hide the symptoms away from them, it isn't because we do not want them to know how much we hurt, it is more because we really do not know how to or even begin to explain what this pain feels like? I wish I could explain to some of the people who care about me and love me how it feels when I wake up, or how I feel as I trudge from bed to the breakfast table? I did try to explain to one person I was dating once and it scared her so much that she literally broke up with me that day. AS I said I don't blame her, I was honest with her and I was glad that she was honest with me. But the hard part is that it still makes us all, not just me, but all of us a bit "Gun Shy", when we try to explain things regarding our pain and how we feel over all to others about this illness that we are afflicted with!
And I think that maybe this is where some of this inability to explain to others why and how we feel as bad as we do is why this illness seems and is actually so selfish. In a lot of ways I do not think that we do it on purpose, although there may be times when we are selfish, because I am sure that you are like me and have been called everything else in the book when you are ill.
So with all of this I will try to keep today's post a bit shorter and end this now, but I will obviously come back to this subject over again as I am sure that I don't have all of the aspects of the subject down and like life, there is always something else for me to learn. And when it comes to Bi-Polar, there is always something else to learn!
Ciao!
Over all I am feeling a bit better these last few days and I am happy with this, as I am sure that most anyone would or could be!! As I stated in a previous post I asked me Dr. to lower the dosage of my Cymbalta as it was causing a side effect that I wasn't too happy with the overall effects. Well, after about a week and a half of kind of suffering I finally feel quite a bit better. I did have a headache as well as an upset stomach. And I also had a low grade sort of depression, and that was causing most of the issues. One of the things I have learned over the last few years is that most any of your friends or loved ones can deal with just about anything, but for some reason they always have an issue with depression. And depression doesn't just effect you, it affects everyone around you and everyone that you care about and love.
I once heard someone say that Depression is a selfish illness, and to be honest for a long time I didn't understand what was meant by that, or what the person that said that could have meant about saying that. These days I think I have a grasp on that? These days I have watched what my depression and my overall illness has done to those who care about me and how it effects them when they see me.
When you are in your depressed state you are reclusive and you tend to push others out of your life, you don't mean to do this, you just do it because the natural thing for you to do is to hide yourself away from the ones you love or care about. Most times it isn't a real conscious thought, you just do it because it is what you have always done. It is what feels, well if anything feels good then hiding away and pushing others out of your life is what feels better. It really has nothing to do with who ever the person is, nor does it have anything to do with the ways they try to help you? The introversion is the small bit of relief that you get when you are in your Circle, and that is the only thing that can help with the pain. Of course this is not with standing the "Self Medication" or the "Real Medication" that the Dr's. try and give you? Because they do try, but it does take a very long time for this pain to ebb. And that is the goal, to have this pain go away.
When you are in pain, you forget those who are important to you, you forgot the little things they do to try and make your life a little bit better here and there? Most times in their hearts they really want you to feel better, and in all honesty, they really do not understand what the pain is, because it isn't that we try to hide the symptoms away from them, it isn't because we do not want them to know how much we hurt, it is more because we really do not know how to or even begin to explain what this pain feels like? I wish I could explain to some of the people who care about me and love me how it feels when I wake up, or how I feel as I trudge from bed to the breakfast table? I did try to explain to one person I was dating once and it scared her so much that she literally broke up with me that day. AS I said I don't blame her, I was honest with her and I was glad that she was honest with me. But the hard part is that it still makes us all, not just me, but all of us a bit "Gun Shy", when we try to explain things regarding our pain and how we feel over all to others about this illness that we are afflicted with!
And I think that maybe this is where some of this inability to explain to others why and how we feel as bad as we do is why this illness seems and is actually so selfish. In a lot of ways I do not think that we do it on purpose, although there may be times when we are selfish, because I am sure that you are like me and have been called everything else in the book when you are ill.
So with all of this I will try to keep today's post a bit shorter and end this now, but I will obviously come back to this subject over again as I am sure that I don't have all of the aspects of the subject down and like life, there is always something else for me to learn. And when it comes to Bi-Polar, there is always something else to learn!
Ciao!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
A long painful truth about people and Bi-Polar.....
Once again here I am after one of my joyful up and down swing! I get used to them, this isn't to say that I enjoy them, it is only saying that they do not surprise me as much as they used to? This most recent one was a bit more painful then some of the last, and as usual this was for a number of reasons.
The first being that I was trying, with my Dr's permission to reduce the amount of a certain medication that I was taking because I didn't like one of the side effects. As with most "Anti-Depressants" there are any number of side effects and I have dealt with more then a handful, some that were really bad and some that were tolerable. This most recent was more annoying then anything, as it dealt with my sex life, and I should say my lack of sex life.....This particular pill is known to reduce your sex drive if not just take it away. Well, being as I had tried dating again and was looking forward to a normal sex life I was a bit happy, or so I thought. As I said we reduced the amount I was taking at of course there were the normal adverse effects, I was feeling like I had the flu, I had an upset stomach, a headache and was feeling a bit depressed! So all of this goes on and I know in my mind that I will get better, but my "Partner" didn't and like a few before decided to bow out of the relationship before I could start to feel better.
Now, in all fairness let me say this, because I was feeling sick and depressed was not the only reason that she bowed out, she had her own reasons, and as short sighted as I thought they were, she is entitled to her choice. One of the things I do, when ever I even think about starting to date anyone is something that I think all people that have BP should do. (Again, this is just my idea!) But, after meeting someone and deciding that there is the possibility that I might date the person for more then one or two dates I ask them what they know about Bi-Polar? I listen to all of the uneducated answers and then I share with them some of what they got correct and maybe even tell them in more detail. (I was once in their uneducated shoes and I too dated a woman who was BP, and she did this to me and I respected it very much, so I choose to do this as well.) After a brief conversation I let them know that I was diagnosed BP, and that there are two types and that I was diagnosed one of the two. I explain a little more and then I let them know that if they want to learn about it I would be happy to share any or all of my books with them, and I would do what ever I could to help them learn more. Or, if they choose they can bow out and I would not be mad and I was grateful for their honesty and we could end on friendship. Which would make me happy as well.
Well, this last one decided that she wanted to learn more so I did what I could and explained what I could. And I was very happy as I thought she was a very special person and someone who could see beyond the illness and we could grow together.....And I still think of her this was, however I was wrong about a few things....She had stated to me one night that it was all in my head and that I could feel better if I really wanted to! Well, rather then get upset I tried to explain that this was not the case and that she had missed something when reading or maybe misunderstood something? I asked her, as I would ask anyone who would say that BP is in your head and it is a choice, I asked could you imagine what it is like to wake up every morning and wonder if you were going to make it thru that day? To wonder how and if you were going to kill yourself that day, or when you were going to do it? To imagine what it was like to sit there after first waking up and feeling like the only way out was to end it all, to actually hope that something would take your life because the pain was becoming too great? To know that those who love you would be hurt, would be devastated if you did this, to know in your head that if you could stop this that you would give anything to do that? To hope and pray it was all a bad dream, to sit down at any moment and just cry, and cry because you couldn't understand why you were the one with it, why you had to deal with it? I tried to explain to her that these were almost everyday issues for me! And if it really was something that I would control, I would give every bit of my soul to stop this horrible pain and I would never wish it on another person, not even my worst enemy. (Besides, when you are like this you cannot have enemies because this pain takes all of your energy to fight, you cannot have any enemies because of this pain.!)
Well, a few hours later I received an e-mail, and she said that she couldn't take it and that it wasn't what she really wanted.
I understand, and I am not mad, I am upset, if I wasn't it just means I never cared, but this is life and I cannot make everyone happy and vice versa, so with all of this I wish her and anyone else I know luck. Life is very difficult and when you have something like this to deal with it is just a little more difficult.
I will end this on something that a very dear friend of mine said to me regarding BP and myself, I am lucky that this person is still in my life, and to this day we are still friends even though we have lived thousands of miles apart since College. She is a person I have known for over 20 years and she knows me just about better then anyone I can think of. What she said to me was: "Your BP is a Challenge but it is such an integral part of who you are. It's where all of the passion that makes you so wonderful stems from!"
And in all of my life, I don't think anyone has ever said such a good and honest thing about me, and this is one of the many reasons I will always love this person, no matter how far apart we are from each other.!
So today's bit has a little bit of everything, love, hurt, joy, trust, pain and if you can find others help yourself. But as far as I see it, let life grow and be happy with the people you have in your life! And more importantly, enjoy the life you have with the people you have in your life!!
Ciao!
The first being that I was trying, with my Dr's permission to reduce the amount of a certain medication that I was taking because I didn't like one of the side effects. As with most "Anti-Depressants" there are any number of side effects and I have dealt with more then a handful, some that were really bad and some that were tolerable. This most recent was more annoying then anything, as it dealt with my sex life, and I should say my lack of sex life.....This particular pill is known to reduce your sex drive if not just take it away. Well, being as I had tried dating again and was looking forward to a normal sex life I was a bit happy, or so I thought. As I said we reduced the amount I was taking at of course there were the normal adverse effects, I was feeling like I had the flu, I had an upset stomach, a headache and was feeling a bit depressed! So all of this goes on and I know in my mind that I will get better, but my "Partner" didn't and like a few before decided to bow out of the relationship before I could start to feel better.
Now, in all fairness let me say this, because I was feeling sick and depressed was not the only reason that she bowed out, she had her own reasons, and as short sighted as I thought they were, she is entitled to her choice. One of the things I do, when ever I even think about starting to date anyone is something that I think all people that have BP should do. (Again, this is just my idea!) But, after meeting someone and deciding that there is the possibility that I might date the person for more then one or two dates I ask them what they know about Bi-Polar? I listen to all of the uneducated answers and then I share with them some of what they got correct and maybe even tell them in more detail. (I was once in their uneducated shoes and I too dated a woman who was BP, and she did this to me and I respected it very much, so I choose to do this as well.) After a brief conversation I let them know that I was diagnosed BP, and that there are two types and that I was diagnosed one of the two. I explain a little more and then I let them know that if they want to learn about it I would be happy to share any or all of my books with them, and I would do what ever I could to help them learn more. Or, if they choose they can bow out and I would not be mad and I was grateful for their honesty and we could end on friendship. Which would make me happy as well.
Well, this last one decided that she wanted to learn more so I did what I could and explained what I could. And I was very happy as I thought she was a very special person and someone who could see beyond the illness and we could grow together.....And I still think of her this was, however I was wrong about a few things....She had stated to me one night that it was all in my head and that I could feel better if I really wanted to! Well, rather then get upset I tried to explain that this was not the case and that she had missed something when reading or maybe misunderstood something? I asked her, as I would ask anyone who would say that BP is in your head and it is a choice, I asked could you imagine what it is like to wake up every morning and wonder if you were going to make it thru that day? To wonder how and if you were going to kill yourself that day, or when you were going to do it? To imagine what it was like to sit there after first waking up and feeling like the only way out was to end it all, to actually hope that something would take your life because the pain was becoming too great? To know that those who love you would be hurt, would be devastated if you did this, to know in your head that if you could stop this that you would give anything to do that? To hope and pray it was all a bad dream, to sit down at any moment and just cry, and cry because you couldn't understand why you were the one with it, why you had to deal with it? I tried to explain to her that these were almost everyday issues for me! And if it really was something that I would control, I would give every bit of my soul to stop this horrible pain and I would never wish it on another person, not even my worst enemy. (Besides, when you are like this you cannot have enemies because this pain takes all of your energy to fight, you cannot have any enemies because of this pain.!)
Well, a few hours later I received an e-mail, and she said that she couldn't take it and that it wasn't what she really wanted.
I understand, and I am not mad, I am upset, if I wasn't it just means I never cared, but this is life and I cannot make everyone happy and vice versa, so with all of this I wish her and anyone else I know luck. Life is very difficult and when you have something like this to deal with it is just a little more difficult.
I will end this on something that a very dear friend of mine said to me regarding BP and myself, I am lucky that this person is still in my life, and to this day we are still friends even though we have lived thousands of miles apart since College. She is a person I have known for over 20 years and she knows me just about better then anyone I can think of. What she said to me was: "Your BP is a Challenge but it is such an integral part of who you are. It's where all of the passion that makes you so wonderful stems from!"
And in all of my life, I don't think anyone has ever said such a good and honest thing about me, and this is one of the many reasons I will always love this person, no matter how far apart we are from each other.!
So today's bit has a little bit of everything, love, hurt, joy, trust, pain and if you can find others help yourself. But as far as I see it, let life grow and be happy with the people you have in your life! And more importantly, enjoy the life you have with the people you have in your life!!
Ciao!
Monday, August 17, 2009
My Favrite line......"I'm Broken!" or at least cracked?
Let me just start out by just saying FUCK!!! It has been a hellish month or so, and to be honest I am wiped out!!! There have been too many mornings that I have woken up and tried to think of reasons why I shouldn't off myself, and if I am not thinking of that I am thinking and wondering why it has to be me? Why do I get to deal with this shitty feeling, or feelings!!!
I Started to do ok for a few days as we edged up my meds and I was thinking, ok this may work......Then one of my least favorite side effects starts to kick in and I talk to my Dr. and realize that I have to do something. So we reduce the dosage and wait.........and then it starts, the upset stomach, the headache, the irratability.......and keep in mind this is just reducing the medication by 1/2 of the regular dosage. I can only imagine what it would be like if we just stopped it all together? So, here I sit in all of this pain and what not and then the reason I started to reduce the meds decides that it will just fade away.....Fvck X 100!!! So what do I do now? So last night I was still feeling a bit like shit and I took a little bit of the old dose to see if it would make me feel any better? Well, maybe, it is very difficult to tell? I don't think I will keep taking the higher dosage and just see what happens, because for some damn reason I feel ok today?
So on to new and other joyous and painful happiness related things for someone like myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no one that wants a broken me around them, they do at first because it offers them an idea that they can fix me, but they cannot and once they figure this out, they want to leave. And to be honest I cannot blame them. I can be a basket case. I couldn't see myself entering into a relationship with someone just because they are broken? Unless, and I have done this, it was the reason that they were broken that interested me? And yes I have dne this, I am that stupid. It wasn't that I wanted to fix them, it was because I found some chick/Woman that was broken and there was something sexier about her being broken. Why do I, or have I done this?? Fuck if I know, but I can list on at least one hand over the last 20 years 405 Women that I have met that were broken and that I have felt a desire to date them?
Well, enough for now, maybe more later, but remember if you have what I have, or even if you do no not, at least try not to look like you are broken, as some people are afraid of that, and the ones that are interested, well........they might be worse then you.
I Started to do ok for a few days as we edged up my meds and I was thinking, ok this may work......Then one of my least favorite side effects starts to kick in and I talk to my Dr. and realize that I have to do something. So we reduce the dosage and wait.........and then it starts, the upset stomach, the headache, the irratability.......and keep in mind this is just reducing the medication by 1/2 of the regular dosage. I can only imagine what it would be like if we just stopped it all together? So, here I sit in all of this pain and what not and then the reason I started to reduce the meds decides that it will just fade away.....Fvck X 100!!! So what do I do now? So last night I was still feeling a bit like shit and I took a little bit of the old dose to see if it would make me feel any better? Well, maybe, it is very difficult to tell? I don't think I will keep taking the higher dosage and just see what happens, because for some damn reason I feel ok today?
So on to new and other joyous and painful happiness related things for someone like myself. I have come to the conclusion that there is no one that wants a broken me around them, they do at first because it offers them an idea that they can fix me, but they cannot and once they figure this out, they want to leave. And to be honest I cannot blame them. I can be a basket case. I couldn't see myself entering into a relationship with someone just because they are broken? Unless, and I have done this, it was the reason that they were broken that interested me? And yes I have dne this, I am that stupid. It wasn't that I wanted to fix them, it was because I found some chick/Woman that was broken and there was something sexier about her being broken. Why do I, or have I done this?? Fuck if I know, but I can list on at least one hand over the last 20 years 405 Women that I have met that were broken and that I have felt a desire to date them?
Well, enough for now, maybe more later, but remember if you have what I have, or even if you do no not, at least try not to look like you are broken, as some people are afraid of that, and the ones that are interested, well........they might be worse then you.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Never judge a book or an Elephant by its Cover!
What is it I want? What is it I seek? I spend time reading various things, some good not so good? Most of it I don’t even finish reading, not because it is bad more because my brain will not hold up to the pages that I am testing them with? I want a brain that can read and fight against the pages that are sold in Borders as well as Barnes and Nobels, but the truth really is, is that my brain can only stand up to the general ideas of these books I find. And to be honest this is all I need most of the time. I, as I am sure like most of you out there really bored by what I read after I read the covers. The covers are like the pretty ladies that we all see in the bars or in the coffee houses.
And if you want to be a fucking PC kind of asshole hole because you are not smart enough to figure out that when I say girls or women, if your brain hasn’t evolved enough to understand that I am also saying that it is like the stupid looking and acting guys or the guys that dress up like male whores, or at least what I would imagine male whores to look like? But after getting all caught up in this little amount of BS, your learn to realize that the reality is that there is nothing beyond the surface, just like these shitty books that I buy and cannot read because there is no substance……So when I go to the book store or the coffee house and I see what I think is a pretty woman after about 2.5 minutes of conversation, I realize that they are dumber then I could have ever wished to be, and trust me I have wished some days that I could be very, very DUMB!
Ahh well, so I cannot wish myself Dumb, and I cannot find any substance in the books that I am reading, nor in the people I am meeting and when I settle down and I feel quiet and a bit lonely, I start to think that maybe I am too hard on these books, and maybe I am too hard on these people, and I am too hard on society? I want to walk down the street with the quietness of a man in the forest filled with solitude…….and truth be told…..I think I want to be quiet now, and I realize that people can be good, and that I have at times been too mean to some people and I really need to be nice to some people. And I am going to start with being nice to you, I am not going to waste anymore of your time up, and I am simply going to wish you a good day and I hope that you see an Elephant, because for some reason Elephants can almost always bring a smile to you….Those and Giraffe’s!
And if you want to be a fucking PC kind of asshole hole because you are not smart enough to figure out that when I say girls or women, if your brain hasn’t evolved enough to understand that I am also saying that it is like the stupid looking and acting guys or the guys that dress up like male whores, or at least what I would imagine male whores to look like? But after getting all caught up in this little amount of BS, your learn to realize that the reality is that there is nothing beyond the surface, just like these shitty books that I buy and cannot read because there is no substance……So when I go to the book store or the coffee house and I see what I think is a pretty woman after about 2.5 minutes of conversation, I realize that they are dumber then I could have ever wished to be, and trust me I have wished some days that I could be very, very DUMB!
Ahh well, so I cannot wish myself Dumb, and I cannot find any substance in the books that I am reading, nor in the people I am meeting and when I settle down and I feel quiet and a bit lonely, I start to think that maybe I am too hard on these books, and maybe I am too hard on these people, and I am too hard on society? I want to walk down the street with the quietness of a man in the forest filled with solitude…….and truth be told…..I think I want to be quiet now, and I realize that people can be good, and that I have at times been too mean to some people and I really need to be nice to some people. And I am going to start with being nice to you, I am not going to waste anymore of your time up, and I am simply going to wish you a good day and I hope that you see an Elephant, because for some reason Elephants can almost always bring a smile to you….Those and Giraffe’s!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Side effects and the individual....
As you all know life as a Bi-Polar is always difficult! It isn't from lack of trying or from lack of medication, it is you never know what to expect? I can do the same thing on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and even Friday and then all of a sudden on Saturday I will start to feel a bit out of kilter, then on Sunday and all of the following week I will feel like shit! All I will want to do is sleep, and lay about, not talk to others and barely eat?
I guess I am lucky in many ways as I do know of people that have it worse and their fluctuations are much more severe. They have violent outswings and their depressions may be more severe or less severe, but their manic attacks may or will be much more severe?
My point here is more that as a person with Bi-Polar we all know about the severity and the fluctuations. How painful they can be and honesty where our lives feel at a given moment. But we feel various emotions including humility, shame, introspective feeling on who and what we are? Basically what I am trying to say is that as we have been consumed by this dreaded Disease we are also consumed by varying feeling of emotions that are not directly related to this illness, and I am sure that these feelings vary by person to person.
Try and remember that if you know someone that have this illness, that just because you have read something about what they may be experiencing in a book, they may also be feeling other emotions that are not always so obvious, and not always spoken about as much as the standared side effects of this illness.
This damn illness reaches far and wide depending on the individual, so just because your friend Dave has the illness, this does not mean that your cousin mike will have the same side effects.
I guess I am lucky in many ways as I do know of people that have it worse and their fluctuations are much more severe. They have violent outswings and their depressions may be more severe or less severe, but their manic attacks may or will be much more severe?
My point here is more that as a person with Bi-Polar we all know about the severity and the fluctuations. How painful they can be and honesty where our lives feel at a given moment. But we feel various emotions including humility, shame, introspective feeling on who and what we are? Basically what I am trying to say is that as we have been consumed by this dreaded Disease we are also consumed by varying feeling of emotions that are not directly related to this illness, and I am sure that these feelings vary by person to person.
Try and remember that if you know someone that have this illness, that just because you have read something about what they may be experiencing in a book, they may also be feeling other emotions that are not always so obvious, and not always spoken about as much as the standared side effects of this illness.
This damn illness reaches far and wide depending on the individual, so just because your friend Dave has the illness, this does not mean that your cousin mike will have the same side effects.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Time and the keys to my soul
Time has eaten away at my soul for the last few years now. This illness that I have been so kindly diagnosed with is an illness that has no end. Sure there are moments of quietness and moments of happiness, but over all is is just time spent waiting for the next up or down? I have grown to look at the moments of calmness like the moments before a storn as I never know what is coming or if I am going to be able to deal with it?
I have been reading a number of things these days, books on poetry to books on a"self help" of sorts, ie..how to be a better person and become more sociable? Overall I am learning that of all these things I am reading are things that I have known or done in the past and my soul is looking at them as past files that I have lived before?
All in all I guess what I am saying here is that even though this illness has bruised my sould and I have watched my life fall apart almost to a zero, I know the keys to make a comeback, and the comeback willl be like the others I have experienced, only bigger and better. And like Nietzsche I will be stronger for the agony!
I have been reading a number of things these days, books on poetry to books on a"self help" of sorts, ie..how to be a better person and become more sociable? Overall I am learning that of all these things I am reading are things that I have known or done in the past and my soul is looking at them as past files that I have lived before?
All in all I guess what I am saying here is that even though this illness has bruised my sould and I have watched my life fall apart almost to a zero, I know the keys to make a comeback, and the comeback willl be like the others I have experienced, only bigger and better. And like Nietzsche I will be stronger for the agony!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Frustration and Web Browsers
Ok, so the reason I haven't been posting lately is that for some reason the browser I normally use hasn't been allowing me to sign in. I normally use Opera for a browser, and have only recently been having an issue with signing in to this Blog. On the upside I have figured out what the problem is and it is an easy fix. So enough of that!
On to bigger and more important things. I haven't checked my last post, so I do not know off of the top of my head when or what I posted about? But I will say that the last few months have been a sort of hell! I went two months with out meds and then once I started them again, it takes about two months before they start working again! So I am just now reaching the "Four" month mark which means my meds are just now starting to work! So this is the positive news and I have to admit that I am finally feeling better, but as we all know this often can be temporary, and usually is!!!
However, I will just keep moving forward and doing what I can to feel better, and trying to stay away from the negative stuff that tears away at ones soul and creates larger issues when one is BP.
I am glad that I am able to sign in once again and look forward to more post. So I will keep this one brief and say it is good to be back and remind you to check my other blog. Just google Five inch monkey.
LTR
On to bigger and more important things. I haven't checked my last post, so I do not know off of the top of my head when or what I posted about? But I will say that the last few months have been a sort of hell! I went two months with out meds and then once I started them again, it takes about two months before they start working again! So I am just now reaching the "Four" month mark which means my meds are just now starting to work! So this is the positive news and I have to admit that I am finally feeling better, but as we all know this often can be temporary, and usually is!!!
However, I will just keep moving forward and doing what I can to feel better, and trying to stay away from the negative stuff that tears away at ones soul and creates larger issues when one is BP.
I am glad that I am able to sign in once again and look forward to more post. So I will keep this one brief and say it is good to be back and remind you to check my other blog. Just google Five inch monkey.
LTR
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