Phobia's, playing Dr. and Music and a haircut!

Ok, I am going to try to put a song in here, but it probably won't work? So here is the blog anyway...


So I am on the phone with my Drug Dr. today and she kind of brings up an interesting point. Only I am not sure if she noticed it or not? I had mentioned that all of my life I have always felt worn out and not myself for a few days after a big party, or even some kind of social event?

Well, last week we had a convention of sorts and afterwards I was just a wreck! I was depressed and I felt angry at everyone and I just wasn’t myself? I let her know that even though we had talked about raising my Zoloft to 150mg from 100mg, I hadn’t raised the levels. I said that I was thinking that since it took my body so long to into the Zoloft in the first place, maybe I should just give myself a little more time, and hopefully the Zoloft would kind of find it’s own place and I would start to feel my normal self.

Well, this wasn’t the case and all that happened was that things got worse. And my emotions and moods became a little more edgy and nastier. I was yelling at people and I was just an unhappy person all the way around. (So much for that little test? Lol)

So it seems that the increase in the Zoloft maybe that the difference I needed. Maybe on top of this little Bi-Polar thing there are some other things that it is possible the Zoloft may be picking up on? For Example: When I was younger, and I would talk to people, I would always say that I was shy, and introverted. However, no one ever believed me? I couldn’t understand it? I was baffled that they couldn’t see that I was this shy person.

But as I have grown older, and as I have learned about my illness I am beginning to think that maybe, I really am shy, it was just that when I was younger I had more “Mania” behaviors them depressive ones, and when I was manic I was anything but shy? But once I hit one of my depressive modes, boom: There I was Mr. Shy introverted me, and no one would believe me because the shy stages were either me hiding away, or me just being “pensive” as everyone used to call me. “Oh Him, he is just being in one of his Pensive moods again!” Or “Watch out, he is being moody again!”. Both of these were things I used to hear all the time growing up and during college.

So, what have I learned? Nothing as of yet? Because I do not know, but we’ll see what happens with all of this stuff. If the Zoloft works maybe my little societal cynicisms will fade like the hair line on Joe Jackson’s head. And if it doesn’t work, well……Like all of the other drugs I get to try, maybe we’ll start a new one?


By the way if the song doesn't get put in here it was "Needle in the Hay" Elliot Smith

Ok, it isn't looking too promising, so I will do two things, I will post the link to the video for the song, I really like the connection. And two I will try to embedded the song into the page here, so hopefully either way..........you can see.

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Or try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pyBB7y8fDU&feature=related



It is a great song, and very ethereal, and the video is almost too real..

Enjoy, and don't read too much into it, just read while the mucsic plays...

Nothing too much, just a note.

Well, I came here with the intent of writing something about the way Bi-Polars think about things. But about half way thru the thought process I got lost and decided that I didn't like what I was writing, so we all know what happens to stuff like that! DDDDDDDDelete!

Anyways, things are about the same, I miss my pals, as you can see in my last post. My chemicals seem to be tryng to stay even, but it is difficult to tell as I have so much stress going on that some days I am not even sure what I am doing?

It seems that my memories are reaping vengence on me for some reason, as they seep into my dreams and create new aspects that were never there. They pop into my head when I am not thinking about anything even close to that particular memory? Not sure why this happens or if it even means anything? But, my guess is that it is all part of my healing process.

Be back soon...

A Sunny day and a Past I wish I could have again!

Been away as of lately, and life changes as it always does. Today is one of those days where your memories seem to rule your thoughts and all you can do is ruminate over lost loved ones and things they loved to do on such a beautiful sunny day. Porter loved Sunny days, and I guess you could say that there are not too many dogs that don't love a good warm day where they can lay in the sun and enjoy the light of love that has been shining on you.

I believe that most all of us can use a good sunny day, and I also believe that we can learn from certain animals and their behaviors. Laying in the Sun and appreciating the heat that it emits is always good. Laying in the Sun and having loved ones about always helps! Some of my, as I am sure their happiest days were when Kaya, Porter and myself would lay in the back yard in the sun like a pack of wolves that are fattened the day after a good meal. There honestly are not many things better! Enjoying the heat and flopping over, maybe pawing at one another, but mostly just enjoying each other's company.

But as with all of us life does go on, and as it does for some, for others it must pause. Kaya was the first, she was the pack leader when I wasn't around, and she was the one that taught me about the Sun and the gifts it held. She and I would lay there for hours in those where the days I could get my brain to stop, and I could just enjoy the warmth and the feeling of my love with me. As time went by, Porter came along and like most puppies he didn't know much about the sun, except it was something to do when you were done playing. The two older "Wolves" would lay there somewhat annoyed at times and amused other times. But Porter grew to love to love the Sun like few I have ever met. While Kaya and I grew old and moved a little more slowly, Porter began to understand about how to get us worked up, and then he would get all of us in a group and there we would lay, just the three of us. I am sure my neighbors would look out and wonder what the hell drugs I was on, or maybe what drugs I needed? Lol I learned many lessons from those two and many of them included the Sun.

However as I said, life has a way of pausing for some of us at different times. Kaya passed away a few years ago, and that left Porter and myself and well the Sun. Porter and I always knew she was looking at us and wishing she could be with us, but maybe one day? Porter always knew how to get me to lay in the Sun with him, especially as I grew more ill, he could always drag me over and remind me of the heat, the love and the memories of the three “Wolves” that used to lay there as much as possible. I somehow think the two of us would lay there sometimes in the driveway and I think that we both tried real hard to make believe that our girl was with us. Porter would sometimes tire before I did more times then not because his fur was almost black. But in the days as he grew older and I grew more ill, he would be able to stay out there and I think he enjoyed that more then most anything. Except a good ride in my car.

About a month ago Porter passed away. And as I sit here with tears in my eyes, and the Sun is shinning out there I know a few things I will never forget. I will never forget the three of us laying in the yard on any given sunny afternoon, and I will never forget Kaya nor what she taught me, including the Sun. I will never forget how close Porter and I became after Kaya’s passing. And I will never forget what he taught me about life, and the Sun as well.
So here I am and this trip has taken about 15 – 16 years or so combined, and it is a warm Sunny day here where I live. And all I can do is go out there and pretend that I am laying there with my “pack”. (I say that pretend to lay because of a number of external factors.) But, I am getting a lot of the Sun by just being out there, and because of these thoughts, and the love that I always believed in! No matter what happens with my illness, and no matter where life takes me, I want to believe that my pack is still with me, in heart and in belief.

So take a moment, and if you have your own little pack, take out some time and enjoy some of the things they enjoy, maybe you’ll develop your own little pack rituals. And while you’re on the way it is likely you’ll have some great Memories too!

R.I.P Kaya


Kaya in her last few days, I would carry her out there, and the three of us would lay there!

R.I.P. Porter

Porter on the Couch, I bet he was thinking about the Sun though?