The feelings started around 10 or 12

After I was first diagnosed with BP, I was a bit unsure that it was true. Mostly because I had the feeling that BP like most illness trends that are at times vague and have no real "tests" to determine the actual illness itself have the tendency to be "over diagnosed". So I thought like most people that maybe I was just being "grouped" in and given some meds because they were kind of hoping I would continue taking them, and the stock prices would continue going up, etc...

Basically the first six months when I wasn't ill from the side effects for ill from the illness I was reflecting on my past. Going back to when I was a child of 10 or 11 years old. Thinking about what others may have thought was odd behavior, and the ways in which I eventually learned how to hide these behaviors. And after that the ways in which I learned what these feeling were and all of the fun that something like this much reflection entails.

I can remember myself at 12 years old being depressed and not really understanding what was going on? I just felt this numbness like feeling. And it wasn't just once or twice this went on for many years. After a while I started looking for activities that would make me feel things, like pain, or fear. Anything that would knock off this “overcoat of numbness” that I felt like I was wearing thru all of those years. Something that made me feel a little vulnerable, but not giving in too much? Keep in mind this was just during my depressive states. When I would be in a manic state, I was the one that people would dare to do something, and I would almost always be the first to do it. Whether I was in a manic state or a "normal" state, I was pretty much up for just about anything? And of course, my friends were more then willing to provide me with the dare!

This type of behavior eventually kind of faded for a little while, and then it came back during college, and when I would mix large amounts of Alcohol in there, it was a recipe for disaster. It got to the point at times that I was afraid to go out, because I knew something was going to happen, but I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew there was something wrong? I eventually started calling it “being on auto pilot”. Because once I started drinking, the mania would kick in, and it was like my brain would just go back home and read a book, but my being would be out partying until god knows when? The numbness started going into a different direction in those days. I will cover that in my next post.


TBC....