The illness and how it is sometimes accepted

I was on one of the message boards that I frequently go to for Bi-Polar and I was in an interesting conversation with a guy and we were talking about how difficult it is for some people to accept that someone has Bi-Polar, as well as how difficult it is for some people with Bi-Polar to come to terms with the fact that they actually have Bi-Polar. (This is a really difficult issue for some people, it can take years for some people to “come to terms” with the fact that they have Bi-Polar”.)

Anyways this is some of my thoughts on the subject, both of how others see people with Bi-Polar, and how some of us see our self as people with this illness.

There is a bit of an agreement among some in the Bi-Polar community that some of us actually have an understanding that we have the disease, however it would be safe to say that it might be easier to explain to some people that there may be a higher level of credibility if we were in a wheelchair? I think there are many people who would be more able to accept that they have an illness if they were in a wheel chair. As well as other people looking at us and understanding that it is a disease if we were in a wheel chair too. But just because we are not in a wheel chair doesn’t take away from the idea that we actually have an illness that sometimes dictates our behavior.

I know for me as I said I have always pretty much known there was a problem, but it took me most of my life just to reach out, and after that about 2 years just to accept that I was Bi-Polar. I have met others who have been told most of their life that they had it, and they still refused to accept that they had it. When it comes to others who do not have the illness, it is just as difficult to convey to them that we really are ill. Even after we lose everything and hit rock bottom, some people still don’t understand and think it is a choice. My ex wife is an example of this, we were together for four years and then I was diagnosed and for the next year and a half after my diagnosis, she still refused to accept that most of my behaviors were the illness, not my choice.

Since my diagnosis I have seen many similarities in others that I have been lucky enough to chat with. And I think this kind of helps my premise for my reasoning on this subject?
I still believe that if we try to take control and do things that keep us healthy we have a much better chance of not being a 70-80 year old person and still going thru the same ups and downs that are part of this illness. Obviously keeping in mind the severity of one’s illness is a partial key to this sort of chance. But I think if we try to work on it, and accept that we have an illness, and maybe even learn to reach out, I honestly believe that this may help?

So maybe if we stop thinking of ourselves as a person with out hope, and maybe if we think of ourselves as people that have been given a chance to reach out beyond our normal realm of thinking, there is the possibility that we can reach new areas in our cognitive abilities? We define strength within ourselves under a terminology that we choose, and I believe if we choose to think this way, maybe we can redefine strength to our selves? And accordingly make our life as a Bi-Polar a little bit better!

The feelings started around 10 or 12

After I was first diagnosed with BP, I was a bit unsure that it was true. Mostly because I had the feeling that BP like most illness trends that are at times vague and have no real "tests" to determine the actual illness itself have the tendency to be "over diagnosed". So I thought like most people that maybe I was just being "grouped" in and given some meds because they were kind of hoping I would continue taking them, and the stock prices would continue going up, etc...

Basically the first six months when I wasn't ill from the side effects for ill from the illness I was reflecting on my past. Going back to when I was a child of 10 or 11 years old. Thinking about what others may have thought was odd behavior, and the ways in which I eventually learned how to hide these behaviors. And after that the ways in which I learned what these feeling were and all of the fun that something like this much reflection entails.

I can remember myself at 12 years old being depressed and not really understanding what was going on? I just felt this numbness like feeling. And it wasn't just once or twice this went on for many years. After a while I started looking for activities that would make me feel things, like pain, or fear. Anything that would knock off this “overcoat of numbness” that I felt like I was wearing thru all of those years. Something that made me feel a little vulnerable, but not giving in too much? Keep in mind this was just during my depressive states. When I would be in a manic state, I was the one that people would dare to do something, and I would almost always be the first to do it. Whether I was in a manic state or a "normal" state, I was pretty much up for just about anything? And of course, my friends were more then willing to provide me with the dare!

This type of behavior eventually kind of faded for a little while, and then it came back during college, and when I would mix large amounts of Alcohol in there, it was a recipe for disaster. It got to the point at times that I was afraid to go out, because I knew something was going to happen, but I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew there was something wrong? I eventually started calling it “being on auto pilot”. Because once I started drinking, the mania would kick in, and it was like my brain would just go back home and read a book, but my being would be out partying until god knows when? The numbness started going into a different direction in those days. I will cover that in my next post.


TBC....

How much control do you have over your behavior?

On one of the message boards that I belong to someone asked the following question; "How much control do you have over your behaviors?" Of course this was a Bi-Polar message board and the person that was asking was asking in reference to someone with Bi-Polar.  So after thing it over I responded accordingly.

----------------------------------------------------------
Here is my reply:

This is an interesting question, not just from the Bi-Polar point of view, but from a philosophical point of view as well!

I agree with you in that it is a label that too often is used to absolve someone from their responsibility or their behaviors. I also believe that many people choose to use this label for an excuse for their behaviors. (Obviously this is dependent on the severity of an illness.) But I think most people choose to use the label as a way to "excuse them" from some behaviors. Infidelity, Lying, etc...

However, I think that once someone has been "labeled" BP, that they are usually still cognizant of morally and principally wrong behaviors. Obviously this is assuming that they are on medications and taking them in accordance to their Dr.’s orders. This being said; I would understand that there are some behaviors that it would be a bit more difficult to assume control. For example: The base outlines of this illness. Ie.. Depression & Mania. I don’t think that we have control over this and obviously this is part of the problem. Which of course is why we are on the medicinal cocktails that most of us take on a daily basis? I say base outlines because these are the parameter guidelines for this illness. (Lying, Cheating, stealing are not considered the basis for Bi-Poler.)

So if you are asking how much can we control the base concerns, I would say little, if you ask how much control can we have of the ancillary issues, I would guess that once you have come to terms with the illness, you should be able to control a principle based behavior. (Of course this is premised on the severity of the illness. For example if one has severe hallucinations and sever paranoia then this would obviously change. It is likely that at this point the person may not be a “Functioning member of society”?)

But once again, there is the question of “coming to terms” with the illness. What does that mean, and can it mean different things for everyone? I can only speak for myself, but I believe that if one understands the basis for their illness and understands what the key components; depression & mania for example can do to them, and what the possible implications of these two concerns can and likely be, that a person would at least be getting close to “coming to terms”. I guess the real key here is that if someone understands that things like cheating on your spouse, or Lying to others, or even stealing are principally wrong in their given culture, that they relinquish their ability to say that this Label caused them to behave in that way.

So as long as I know the difference between what the guidelines for my illness are, I can be that much more in control. Obviously there will be exceptions, not just for me, but for everyone.

----------------------------------------

If anyone differs in opinion, please feel free to drop me a line, I would be interested in hearing what you have to say?

My Best Friend, the Mayor!

Well a few days ago I got some bad news. The picture at right the big guy who is my best friend may be really sick once again? However for the last few days he has seemed his old self, so maybe, just maybe we have been able to hold back the illness for a while.

Porter, that's his name, Porter has had more surgery then most people I know? He has had enough mass cell tumors to fill a litter of dogs. My ex-wife and I had done everything we could to stop the Damn cancer as best we could! He has actually had three operations to remove seperate instances in the last 12 months. It always happens to the "Good Ones".

I was talking with one of the Nurse's at the Dog hospital that Porter goes to, and she said that, and I couldn't agree more. Porter is an amazing Dog, he has over come quite a bit, and has served as a sort of good will Ambasador for his breed. He is a Pit Bull and a Lab Mix. Porter has never had an angry moment, never been mean or vicious to anyone. It is kind of funny because when people meet him, they are sometimes a little spooked. They are spooked because of the stories that the media continues to publish about these Vicious Pit Bull attacks. And this is what everyone wants to focus on. You almost never hear the good stories about this bread.

Well, Porter is a good story, he has always been a great Dog. When he is at the Dog park playing with the other dogs and someone new starts to walk into the park area, Porter for some reason has taken it upon himself to stop playing and go over to every new person that walks in the play area and first he greets the owner, then he greets the Dog. We jokingly call him the Mayor. It is quite funny, because it is just something that he started doing on his own? It is this reason as well as the multitude of other odd behaviors that I call him my best friend!

To be Continued...