Another day, another $1.94

Another day, another $1.94

I wish, lol actually the day was spent running around and taking care of various things that needed my attentions. However when I did finish I was completely taxed! It is odd, but I have been very tired both mentally and physically after a few hours of activity? Mostly, mentally tired! I literally have to just "close off" the world and kind of "re-charge"!  It is kind of like letting the reverberations of the day fizzle out. If that make any sense? But the problem is that if I start at 7am the recharge has to be around noon? And like I said the other day, this is probably because of my coping mechanisms are a little "low"?

This illness takes so much from you, and in ways I never would have thought? Not only does it slow you down in many ways, it also makes you look at life a little differently! In some ways I listen to the ways that some people talk, the volume, the cadence the flow of the syntax. And in doing this you learn a lot more about the people, not to say that I didn't do this prior to becoming officially ill, but, I believe that I do it with a more detailed approach? I also think that maybe I do it to see if I can tell if someone may also be BP?

In case you have never spoken with a BP'r, we can most times tell is someone that we meet may have BP, or something similar? Someone the other day said something about it being because as a person who has BP, we have spent our lives in sort of an emotional hiding game. And if we see someone doing the same kind of thing it kind of sets off a bell in our head.  The person made a great point in saying that BP people "Don't have open mood swings", and then she said she that one way she has learned is"to recognize someone with an illness is by the way they allow others to perceive them...make sense?"  I thought this was an interesting perspective and I think it goes back to our need and ability to hide our illness from everyone.  In keeping certain aspects from others we feel that we are not letting our illness out of the bag. And when someone like the person who stated this, or even myself sees someone who is doing this it sets off a bell and then we have a pretty good idea as to the others potential!

So be warned......we know you're out there!  

Just kidding, of course you're out there!

Some considerations

I have been trying to stay pretty busy, but in staying busy I pay for it in that buy doing this it takes a serious toll on my illness.
I am so entirely mentally drained after just a few hours that I feel like I need to shut off from the rest of the world! And I have been trying to "expand" my ability, but it is taking some time. I was at a meeting last night and we were discussing things like this, and I mentioned this, and someone brought up an interesting point. I have only been feeling "kind of" good for just about six weeks. (Obviously I am not factoring in all of the various factors that are wreaking havoc in my life these days. Let's just say that Divorce is one of them!)

Now six weeks sounds like a fair amount of time, but think about this, I was really sick, ie ..depressed for over a year. So, maybe as usual I am not giving myself enough credit? I have been battling this for the last year and a half, and in al of that I want to be able to jump back in the game and be like my old self, but I think if I force that on myself, I may end up in the same place I was before Thanksgiving? (Which was when I was hospitalized.)

In so many ways I want to get back in the game, but I know that in doing this I have to choose my methods, time frame and paths wisely! Because when you have BP, you never really know when the Beast will pop out and have a little fun on its own, by tear into my soul and messing up everything I have worked on to try to regain some level of normality.

Normal is one thing, but being able to get back in the game is my goal, I just have to do what I can to be smart about my path!

Day by Day, Minute by Minute

Some days things seem that they can go one way, and suddenly they end up going the other way. Wednesday I was feeling pretty down and I feared that the black days were coming back. And if anyone who has BP knows, this is indeed a very scary feeling. It is like you don't have a choice, you try to think positive thoughts and try to move quite a bit more physically. And you hope that it won't come. But it usually does and then all you can do is wait, wait for what you hope is the end. And like I said before, you look for those seconds in the minutes where you are not in that Black Mode!

Well, I went to bed feeling this way and as usual I couldn't sleep! Of course I had to get up early the next day, (Isn't always that way?) so after doing the things that needed my attention thursday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself in a good mood? and of course when this happens I think I get more suspect then I really should, butI think you can understand why?

One of the difficult things about being Bi-Polar is that you never really know which mood you may wake up with, or which you will go to bed with? Especially if you are a Rapid Cycle type.
You have to enjoy the minutes, and it kind of teaches you to stay focused on the current moment, rather then get caught up in the mass of BS that we do most of the time.

I guess in some ways there are some good things about being BP, but like everything in life, you have to look for them.

The joy of being me

I was working on another blog I have, and suddenly I thought? Hey, didn't I start one a few months ago? Sure enough here it is.

Lots and lots of fun things have been going on in my world since my last post. Although the post was in August, my depression stayed and got much worse until a bit after Thanksgiving. I was in the Hospital for thanksgiving and stayed for about a week. The depression had gotten so bad and I just couldn't take it anymore. So for a time frame view, I was depressed for over 1 year. One year of my life sucked away by this damn illness. 

In that time I had one house go into foreclosure, had to file bankrupcy. And now Divorce.

I am not trying to bum anyone out with my stories of woe, I am just trying to share with others who have this illness, or know someone who has it. I once said that I would never wish this on my worst enemy. And this is still true.

There is a shimmering light at the end of the tunnel though, and I hope its not a train coming at me? I believe that there is only one way for life to go, and that is up! Everything has to get better, because when you are at Zero, where else can you go?

ps. my other blog isn't about any of this, so if you're interested google Five inch Monkey.