Somedays are pretty good, and others just suck! Anyone who knows about BP knows this, and it should come to no surprise to anyone that knows anyone with BP? For example, a few days ago I was doing really bad, I slept for whole days and then slept for whole nights, I had so much garbage stressing me out that I honestly didn't know what to do? So after suffering for a few days, it kind of subsided and today wasn't too bad?
However, if you are a BP you know what a trigger is, and if you are not a BP I will tell you what a BP is, and why it can be a very bad thing! A trigger is something that can ellicit a negative response in you from just being near you or sometimes you just think about it, I guess it could also bring a super manic mode out too, but I don't see those as bad as super depressive modes. It is likely because I suffer from more depression then mania. However, one of my triggers popped its ugly head up today, and it was kind of interesting as I had to make a choice as to how I was going to deal with the whole thing? And then it struck me, I got to make the choice? For the first time in a very long time I was able to make the choice, to some degree, but to make it so that it wasn't as bad as it could have been?
Now, the problem for ascertianing the real answer here is a little more difficult? On one hand I could say that the power was with in me to "Choose" to make this decision, however, on the other hand it could have been the medicine that maybe finally started working to some degree? (One of the problems with BP meds is that if you change meds as I am prone to do too often, not by choice but necessity. It can take anywhere from 2 weeks to 8-10 weeks for it to really take affect?) For me it almost always seems to be the longer, and then suddenly it no longer works for me and boom, I have to try a new med.
So with this being said, I think I choose this morning to deal with the creature and so far so good, the worst aspect of it is that it continued eating at my soul all day, via e-mails of course, but I just kept my cool and tried to stay on an even keel. So far, so good!
the idea for todays writing is basically this, if someone like me who can be prone to outburst and for a lot of BP's that I have seen that are a lot worse then I am. I made the choice today to let someone else control my day, and I chose to let them wallow in their own misery, and I went out and had a fairly good day! So for all of you out there that let those little "Negative Creeps" into your day and they try to bring you down, just think about this, if you were a BP's, how would you handle the situation? Only you can controld your behavior and the way you act with others, notice I didn't say re-act, I said act? Because when you act withh someone and they are trying to drag you down, you are maintaining yourself, but when you "Re-Act" you are allowing the "Negative Creeps" to control you, and this is not what you want!
Be the better person, try to change your world not other peoples. Be who you want, not a reaction to someone else's idea, or bad idea. If a person like me, who has to depend on chemicals sometimes to keep me level can do it, so can you! So be that person you really want, and control your own actions!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
OT, But important!
Ok, lately every time I want to write something here I sign on the normal way. However, I am noticing something, normally I use Opera as my preferred browser, and once in a while when things will not work I use Firebox. But, I have spent the last half an hour trying to sign on and change my passwords, and doing everything that I could think of to sign on to my damn blog account and I couldn't get on. Then suddenly it hits me, try the regular Microsoft browser? And guess what? Viola! It works!
I am talking about Google, the big company that is all about using alternative sources for I-Net, the ground breaking company that is all about being innovative and creating everything, and suddenly I cannot use my damn Blog on Opera or Firefox? WTF?
See, I have sat here for all of this time, and I had ideas for my blog, but because I spent more time trying to figure out how sign on to this account, never thing it would be Microsoft that would hold the key?
Now, I know what you are going to say, check your settings, blah, blah, blah....I will admit, I did have an issue last week with some virus stuff, so maybe things got changed, and I will check that. But, this isn't the first time this has happened! I have been a long time opera user, I think I have been using Opera for about 10 years or so. Why all of a sudden does it lock me out???
Well, I am finally back in, and I guess I will have to try using MSN so that I can post on this Blog. So I will talk to you later, and please check back as I have been trying to write more often here, and I will be working on my fiveinch monkey blog as well.
Take care all, and to stay in context, I am doing ok, and I had some stuff to write about, but I will try to remember for tomorrow's post.
Ciao!
I am talking about Google, the big company that is all about using alternative sources for I-Net, the ground breaking company that is all about being innovative and creating everything, and suddenly I cannot use my damn Blog on Opera or Firefox? WTF?
See, I have sat here for all of this time, and I had ideas for my blog, but because I spent more time trying to figure out how sign on to this account, never thing it would be Microsoft that would hold the key?
Now, I know what you are going to say, check your settings, blah, blah, blah....I will admit, I did have an issue last week with some virus stuff, so maybe things got changed, and I will check that. But, this isn't the first time this has happened! I have been a long time opera user, I think I have been using Opera for about 10 years or so. Why all of a sudden does it lock me out???
Well, I am finally back in, and I guess I will have to try using MSN so that I can post on this Blog. So I will talk to you later, and please check back as I have been trying to write more often here, and I will be working on my fiveinch monkey blog as well.
Take care all, and to stay in context, I am doing ok, and I had some stuff to write about, but I will try to remember for tomorrow's post.
Ciao!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Can you catch Bi-Polar????
Sleep, the evasive aspect of life that I have always had an issue with! I have since I was a small child had an issue with sleeping for more then a few hours at a time. It is one of the fun things about the "Illness"! Or so I have been told.?
As I have said in earlier post I have always had an idea that there was an issue with me being depressed, and missing sleep was one of the keys that someone should have picked up on? But then again like most people with this illness, I learned to hide aspects of life from others, and sleep was one of them. I could stay up all night long and then go to school and not thing twice about it? But I never told anyone that I wasn't sleeping. And obviously it was the same with sleeping too much, I got around this saying that I was going to my room to read and when I was depressed I would just sleep. And if by some chance someone discovered I would just say I feel to sleep reading.
One of the hardest parts that I have had to deal with is something that although I have had the knowledge of my illness, is something that is kind of odd. It is even a bit difficult to understand? Part of my illness is that I can have both a Depressive state and a hypomanic state at the same time. Basically I call this the Bi-Polar Speedball! I am depressed and in a state of manic behavior. This took me a long time to work this out because A) It is a strange concept & B) Bi-Polar is a odd enough illness, let alone when you toss in ideas of being both in a depressive state as well as a manic state.
So I can be sitting somewhere and be in a depressed mode and all of a sudden I have a ton of energy and no way of dealing with it? Conversely I can also be in a manic mode and running around or be at work and all of a sudden I can fall into a depressed state and as much as I want to slow down and just crawl into a bed and self depreciate I just cannot? I feel I have to keep moving! Because of these two types of behavior states, it has always made it more difficult for me, let alone others to actually figure out that I am BP. I do have to give some credit to one person. I was dating years ago, and she also has BP, and she figured out that I was BP, well actually she said: "I think you have a little BP in you?". And since she was a professional in the health field, and worked with BP'rs and was also a BP'r, what she said had a bit of credibility? Only I didn't take to heart what she said, it was always there, it was just never a large enough issue back then. However, it has been said that the older one gets and they do not get the BP taken care of, the worse it gets.
And guess what, it was about 6-7 years later before I figured it out. Well, with my Dr's help and the help of help of my "Partner" at the time. We figured out that maybe there was a potential issue with this possible illness. Well, it took about a year before we determined that I actually had it. The strange thing about this illness is that there is no test? They just ask you a bunch of questions, and over the course of time it is determined that one has the illness. It is really strange? But, when it all comes to it, all Bi-Polar really is is just a chemical imbalance. Much like diabetes. So, the next time you meet someone with the Bi-Polar illness, remember that it isn't anything that you can catch, it is just more like your Aunt or Uncle who has Diabetes, and it's not like you can catch anything from them either?
Till next time......Keep this in mind, If you don't try something new, you'll never learn anything new and what fun is that?
Ciao!
As I have said in earlier post I have always had an idea that there was an issue with me being depressed, and missing sleep was one of the keys that someone should have picked up on? But then again like most people with this illness, I learned to hide aspects of life from others, and sleep was one of them. I could stay up all night long and then go to school and not thing twice about it? But I never told anyone that I wasn't sleeping. And obviously it was the same with sleeping too much, I got around this saying that I was going to my room to read and when I was depressed I would just sleep. And if by some chance someone discovered I would just say I feel to sleep reading.
One of the hardest parts that I have had to deal with is something that although I have had the knowledge of my illness, is something that is kind of odd. It is even a bit difficult to understand? Part of my illness is that I can have both a Depressive state and a hypomanic state at the same time. Basically I call this the Bi-Polar Speedball! I am depressed and in a state of manic behavior. This took me a long time to work this out because A) It is a strange concept & B) Bi-Polar is a odd enough illness, let alone when you toss in ideas of being both in a depressive state as well as a manic state.
So I can be sitting somewhere and be in a depressed mode and all of a sudden I have a ton of energy and no way of dealing with it? Conversely I can also be in a manic mode and running around or be at work and all of a sudden I can fall into a depressed state and as much as I want to slow down and just crawl into a bed and self depreciate I just cannot? I feel I have to keep moving! Because of these two types of behavior states, it has always made it more difficult for me, let alone others to actually figure out that I am BP. I do have to give some credit to one person. I was dating years ago, and she also has BP, and she figured out that I was BP, well actually she said: "I think you have a little BP in you?". And since she was a professional in the health field, and worked with BP'rs and was also a BP'r, what she said had a bit of credibility? Only I didn't take to heart what she said, it was always there, it was just never a large enough issue back then. However, it has been said that the older one gets and they do not get the BP taken care of, the worse it gets.
And guess what, it was about 6-7 years later before I figured it out. Well, with my Dr's help and the help of help of my "Partner" at the time. We figured out that maybe there was a potential issue with this possible illness. Well, it took about a year before we determined that I actually had it. The strange thing about this illness is that there is no test? They just ask you a bunch of questions, and over the course of time it is determined that one has the illness. It is really strange? But, when it all comes to it, all Bi-Polar really is is just a chemical imbalance. Much like diabetes. So, the next time you meet someone with the Bi-Polar illness, remember that it isn't anything that you can catch, it is just more like your Aunt or Uncle who has Diabetes, and it's not like you can catch anything from them either?
Till next time......Keep this in mind, If you don't try something new, you'll never learn anything new and what fun is that?
Ciao!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Recent experiences and behaviors
It has been quite a while since my last post, like everything in life there is a multitude of reasons. On the upside many of my main hurdles are now gone. Not that I am the only one with life hurdle, but some of mine took a little more energy then I thought they would.
I am beginning to learn some of the not so obvious difficulties of living with this illness. One of them being that when some people find out that someone has this illness, they automatically change their course of behavior and want to treat the person with BP as a sort of pariah. Now I am open and as honest as I can be, and I try to let everyone know what is going on with me, but there are times when it is better to hold back a little, especially when you meet someone and you are not sure which way the relationship will go. I have always said that I am not ashamed of this illness, especially because I didn't ask for it, and I would never wish it on someone. With this being said I would love for people to take the time to ask me questions, or ask anyone with this questions. When the dust settles, it is just that at times our brains run a "bit" faster, and at other times, we feel we are justified in curling up in a ball and hiding for days. I am trying to simplify this illness, I am just trying to say to others that it isn't as bad as holly wood or your grand parents make it out to be.
There are many well known people in the public eye with this illness, and many more that are not in the public eye. The one response I usually get from say about 80% of the people is, "Oh, my cousin has that, and it was a little rough at first, but now he is doing great!" And of course what they are saying is that now that he is on his Med's all the time he is fine. And this is the point, if you have this illness, you take Meds, and if you take Meds, you usually get better or at least stay at the Status Quo. (Which I am not sure if that is good? lol)
I am saying all this as I have of recently been shunned aside because of this illness, and I am positive that the person that did this never took the time to talk with a BP'r, let alone me about the illness.
Well more later, and it is good to be back. I lost my password for a while and couldn't get in. But hopefully I will be back writing more and sharing stories from either the speeding mind or of the Black hole lost in the darkness mind. Hopefully it will be more of the first one or the middle.
I am beginning to learn some of the not so obvious difficulties of living with this illness. One of them being that when some people find out that someone has this illness, they automatically change their course of behavior and want to treat the person with BP as a sort of pariah. Now I am open and as honest as I can be, and I try to let everyone know what is going on with me, but there are times when it is better to hold back a little, especially when you meet someone and you are not sure which way the relationship will go. I have always said that I am not ashamed of this illness, especially because I didn't ask for it, and I would never wish it on someone. With this being said I would love for people to take the time to ask me questions, or ask anyone with this questions. When the dust settles, it is just that at times our brains run a "bit" faster, and at other times, we feel we are justified in curling up in a ball and hiding for days. I am trying to simplify this illness, I am just trying to say to others that it isn't as bad as holly wood or your grand parents make it out to be.
There are many well known people in the public eye with this illness, and many more that are not in the public eye. The one response I usually get from say about 80% of the people is, "Oh, my cousin has that, and it was a little rough at first, but now he is doing great!" And of course what they are saying is that now that he is on his Med's all the time he is fine. And this is the point, if you have this illness, you take Meds, and if you take Meds, you usually get better or at least stay at the Status Quo. (Which I am not sure if that is good? lol)
I am saying all this as I have of recently been shunned aside because of this illness, and I am positive that the person that did this never took the time to talk with a BP'r, let alone me about the illness.
Well more later, and it is good to be back. I lost my password for a while and couldn't get in. But hopefully I will be back writing more and sharing stories from either the speeding mind or of the Black hole lost in the darkness mind. Hopefully it will be more of the first one or the middle.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Times like these!
There are things in life that most of us will be placed in a position that we are unable to do. Some of these things will be little things that we really don't care about, some of the other things will be of a level of importence to us personally, and this is where our inability will become a wall that we will take on as a personal battle.
Some of the problems that I deal with are because of my illness, and some are because of scenarios's that I have been placed in by chance, or choice. It doesn't matter really which one? But the one that is bothering me today is that I am sitting here and wishihng I could go do what I was invited to do with some friends, and I don't believe that I possess the strength to force myself to really go do it! And this is one of the greater of the pains of my illness. Because at times it makes me feel as if life is being taken away, and all I can do is watch!
When I look at the other side of life, and I watch all of the pain that is being brought on just because of some idiotic legal term, all the energy that is being sucked out of me because of all of this, it really upsets me!
When I am being consumed by all of this negative energy as I am now. This isn't a good thing for anyone! All it does is make and create bad feelings for everyone. And all this does is make my illness worse. Which in the end takes away from me what I really wish I could be doing right now, the thing my friends called me out to do in the first place.
As I said, sometimes we are forced into a place that we don't really want to be, and other times all we can hope to do is try to make the best of it, because some days I am not sure how I can, more often then not like an old friend whom was doomed to forever to roll a huge stone up the hill in Hades only to have it roll down again as it nears the top, over and over.
Some of the problems that I deal with are because of my illness, and some are because of scenarios's that I have been placed in by chance, or choice. It doesn't matter really which one? But the one that is bothering me today is that I am sitting here and wishihng I could go do what I was invited to do with some friends, and I don't believe that I possess the strength to force myself to really go do it! And this is one of the greater of the pains of my illness. Because at times it makes me feel as if life is being taken away, and all I can do is watch!
When I look at the other side of life, and I watch all of the pain that is being brought on just because of some idiotic legal term, all the energy that is being sucked out of me because of all of this, it really upsets me!
When I am being consumed by all of this negative energy as I am now. This isn't a good thing for anyone! All it does is make and create bad feelings for everyone. And all this does is make my illness worse. Which in the end takes away from me what I really wish I could be doing right now, the thing my friends called me out to do in the first place.
As I said, sometimes we are forced into a place that we don't really want to be, and other times all we can hope to do is try to make the best of it, because some days I am not sure how I can, more often then not like an old friend whom was doomed to forever to roll a huge stone up the hill in Hades only to have it roll down again as it nears the top, over and over.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Games, Pain, and Honesty!
Thoughts ideas and general discomfort! I am being placed in a game that I don't want to really play, but as always if I am to play, there is only one objective. And since we all know what that is, there is not point in going on.
I am sitting hear looking for ideas and options for what to do in the next few weeks? If you read back a bit you will see that I have been placed in a situation that I really do not wish to be in? And because I am in this are, I have to look out for myself, and do as I do when my back is at the wall. I guess that in some way I actually enjoy being in this state, and the reason is that when I am in this state I get to step forward, and say what is on my mind and not worry about the repercussions, because I know the thoughts have been been thought out, and the ideas are not just yelled about because of an emotional "reaction".
As you can see, and as I have learned, I am not normally one that prefers to be in the scenario where I have to be the aggressive one. I have told many people in the past and some were smart enough to understand that I wasn't just talking out of my ass. But I have always said; "Don't take my kindness for weakness!" I may seem passive at times. But that is because I don't wish to play litle games that some choose to play, but don't kid yourself, it is not weakness! It is because I choose to stand back and observe, I have always believed that you can learn more by watching others, then yelling screaming and generally making an ass of yourself.
So what do I end up doing during this "Fun time"? I will take my time, move forward and if I play right, I'll hopefully be able to treat others right, while remebering that, in this game that I play, there are others feelings out there, and unless they directly confront me, I will continue to treat them fair and honestly. But the important thing for me is and always will be.....When it is time for the game, I still want to Win!
Play Fair, Play Hard, but remember to Win!
I am sitting hear looking for ideas and options for what to do in the next few weeks? If you read back a bit you will see that I have been placed in a situation that I really do not wish to be in? And because I am in this are, I have to look out for myself, and do as I do when my back is at the wall. I guess that in some way I actually enjoy being in this state, and the reason is that when I am in this state I get to step forward, and say what is on my mind and not worry about the repercussions, because I know the thoughts have been been thought out, and the ideas are not just yelled about because of an emotional "reaction".
As you can see, and as I have learned, I am not normally one that prefers to be in the scenario where I have to be the aggressive one. I have told many people in the past and some were smart enough to understand that I wasn't just talking out of my ass. But I have always said; "Don't take my kindness for weakness!" I may seem passive at times. But that is because I don't wish to play litle games that some choose to play, but don't kid yourself, it is not weakness! It is because I choose to stand back and observe, I have always believed that you can learn more by watching others, then yelling screaming and generally making an ass of yourself.
So what do I end up doing during this "Fun time"? I will take my time, move forward and if I play right, I'll hopefully be able to treat others right, while remebering that, in this game that I play, there are others feelings out there, and unless they directly confront me, I will continue to treat them fair and honestly. But the important thing for me is and always will be.....When it is time for the game, I still want to Win!
Play Fair, Play Hard, but remember to Win!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Phobia's, playing Dr. and Music and a haircut!
Ok, I am going to try to put a song in here, but it probably won't work? So here is the blog anyway...
So I am on the phone with my Drug Dr. today and she kind of brings up an interesting point. Only I am not sure if she noticed it or not? I had mentioned that all of my life I have always felt worn out and not myself for a few days after a big party, or even some kind of social event?
Well, last week we had a convention of sorts and afterwards I was just a wreck! I was depressed and I felt angry at everyone and I just wasn’t myself? I let her know that even though we had talked about raising my Zoloft to 150mg from 100mg, I hadn’t raised the levels. I said that I was thinking that since it took my body so long to into the Zoloft in the first place, maybe I should just give myself a little more time, and hopefully the Zoloft would kind of find it’s own place and I would start to feel my normal self.
Well, this wasn’t the case and all that happened was that things got worse. And my emotions and moods became a little more edgy and nastier. I was yelling at people and I was just an unhappy person all the way around. (So much for that little test? Lol)
So it seems that the increase in the Zoloft maybe that the difference I needed. Maybe on top of this little Bi-Polar thing there are some other things that it is possible the Zoloft may be picking up on? For Example: When I was younger, and I would talk to people, I would always say that I was shy, and introverted. However, no one ever believed me? I couldn’t understand it? I was baffled that they couldn’t see that I was this shy person.
But as I have grown older, and as I have learned about my illness I am beginning to think that maybe, I really am shy, it was just that when I was younger I had more “Mania” behaviors them depressive ones, and when I was manic I was anything but shy? But once I hit one of my depressive modes, boom: There I was Mr. Shy introverted me, and no one would believe me because the shy stages were either me hiding away, or me just being “pensive” as everyone used to call me. “Oh Him, he is just being in one of his Pensive moods again!” Or “Watch out, he is being moody again!”. Both of these were things I used to hear all the time growing up and during college.
So, what have I learned? Nothing as of yet? Because I do not know, but we’ll see what happens with all of this stuff. If the Zoloft works maybe my little societal cynicisms will fade like the hair line on Joe Jackson’s head. And if it doesn’t work, well……Like all of the other drugs I get to try, maybe we’ll start a new one?
By the way if the song doesn't get put in here it was "Needle in the Hay" Elliot Smith
Ok, it isn't looking too promising, so I will do two things, I will post the link to the video for the song, I really like the connection. And two I will try to embedded the song into the page here, so hopefully either way..........you can see.
----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
Or try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pyBB7y8fDU&feature=related
It is a great song, and very ethereal, and the video is almost too real..
Enjoy, and don't read too much into it, just read while the mucsic plays...
So I am on the phone with my Drug Dr. today and she kind of brings up an interesting point. Only I am not sure if she noticed it or not? I had mentioned that all of my life I have always felt worn out and not myself for a few days after a big party, or even some kind of social event?
Well, last week we had a convention of sorts and afterwards I was just a wreck! I was depressed and I felt angry at everyone and I just wasn’t myself? I let her know that even though we had talked about raising my Zoloft to 150mg from 100mg, I hadn’t raised the levels. I said that I was thinking that since it took my body so long to into the Zoloft in the first place, maybe I should just give myself a little more time, and hopefully the Zoloft would kind of find it’s own place and I would start to feel my normal self.
Well, this wasn’t the case and all that happened was that things got worse. And my emotions and moods became a little more edgy and nastier. I was yelling at people and I was just an unhappy person all the way around. (So much for that little test? Lol)
So it seems that the increase in the Zoloft maybe that the difference I needed. Maybe on top of this little Bi-Polar thing there are some other things that it is possible the Zoloft may be picking up on? For Example: When I was younger, and I would talk to people, I would always say that I was shy, and introverted. However, no one ever believed me? I couldn’t understand it? I was baffled that they couldn’t see that I was this shy person.
But as I have grown older, and as I have learned about my illness I am beginning to think that maybe, I really am shy, it was just that when I was younger I had more “Mania” behaviors them depressive ones, and when I was manic I was anything but shy? But once I hit one of my depressive modes, boom: There I was Mr. Shy introverted me, and no one would believe me because the shy stages were either me hiding away, or me just being “pensive” as everyone used to call me. “Oh Him, he is just being in one of his Pensive moods again!” Or “Watch out, he is being moody again!”. Both of these were things I used to hear all the time growing up and during college.
So, what have I learned? Nothing as of yet? Because I do not know, but we’ll see what happens with all of this stuff. If the Zoloft works maybe my little societal cynicisms will fade like the hair line on Joe Jackson’s head. And if it doesn’t work, well……Like all of the other drugs I get to try, maybe we’ll start a new one?
By the way if the song doesn't get put in here it was "Needle in the Hay" Elliot Smith
Ok, it isn't looking too promising, so I will do two things, I will post the link to the video for the song, I really like the connection. And two I will try to embedded the song into the page here, so hopefully either way..........you can see.
----------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------
Or try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pyBB7y8fDU&feature=related
It is a great song, and very ethereal, and the video is almost too real..
Enjoy, and don't read too much into it, just read while the mucsic plays...
Monday, April 14, 2008
Nothing too much, just a note.
Well, I came here with the intent of writing something about the way Bi-Polars think about things. But about half way thru the thought process I got lost and decided that I didn't like what I was writing, so we all know what happens to stuff like that! DDDDDDDDelete!
Anyways, things are about the same, I miss my pals, as you can see in my last post. My chemicals seem to be tryng to stay even, but it is difficult to tell as I have so much stress going on that some days I am not even sure what I am doing?
It seems that my memories are reaping vengence on me for some reason, as they seep into my dreams and create new aspects that were never there. They pop into my head when I am not thinking about anything even close to that particular memory? Not sure why this happens or if it even means anything? But, my guess is that it is all part of my healing process.
Be back soon...
Anyways, things are about the same, I miss my pals, as you can see in my last post. My chemicals seem to be tryng to stay even, but it is difficult to tell as I have so much stress going on that some days I am not even sure what I am doing?
It seems that my memories are reaping vengence on me for some reason, as they seep into my dreams and create new aspects that were never there. They pop into my head when I am not thinking about anything even close to that particular memory? Not sure why this happens or if it even means anything? But, my guess is that it is all part of my healing process.
Be back soon...
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
A Sunny day and a Past I wish I could have again!
Been away as of lately, and life changes as it always does. Today is one of those days where your memories seem to rule your thoughts and all you can do is ruminate over lost loved ones and things they loved to do on such a beautiful sunny day. Porter loved Sunny days, and I guess you could say that there are not too many dogs that don't love a good warm day where they can lay in the sun and enjoy the light of love that has been shining on you.
I believe that most all of us can use a good sunny day, and I also believe that we can learn from certain animals and their behaviors. Laying in the Sun and appreciating the heat that it emits is always good. Laying in the Sun and having loved ones about always helps! Some of my, as I am sure their happiest days were when Kaya, Porter and myself would lay in the back yard in the sun like a pack of wolves that are fattened the day after a good meal. There honestly are not many things better! Enjoying the heat and flopping over, maybe pawing at one another, but mostly just enjoying each other's company.
But as with all of us life does go on, and as it does for some, for others it must pause. Kaya was the first, she was the pack leader when I wasn't around, and she was the one that taught me about the Sun and the gifts it held. She and I would lay there for hours in those where the days I could get my brain to stop, and I could just enjoy the warmth and the feeling of my love with me. As time went by, Porter came along and like most puppies he didn't know much about the sun, except it was something to do when you were done playing. The two older "Wolves" would lay there somewhat annoyed at times and amused other times. But Porter grew to love to love the Sun like few I have ever met. While Kaya and I grew old and moved a little more slowly, Porter began to understand about how to get us worked up, and then he would get all of us in a group and there we would lay, just the three of us. I am sure my neighbors would look out and wonder what the hell drugs I was on, or maybe what drugs I needed? Lol I learned many lessons from those two and many of them included the Sun.
However as I said, life has a way of pausing for some of us at different times. Kaya passed away a few years ago, and that left Porter and myself and well the Sun. Porter and I always knew she was looking at us and wishing she could be with us, but maybe one day? Porter always knew how to get me to lay in the Sun with him, especially as I grew more ill, he could always drag me over and remind me of the heat, the love and the memories of the three “Wolves” that used to lay there as much as possible. I somehow think the two of us would lay there sometimes in the driveway and I think that we both tried real hard to make believe that our girl was with us. Porter would sometimes tire before I did more times then not because his fur was almost black. But in the days as he grew older and I grew more ill, he would be able to stay out there and I think he enjoyed that more then most anything. Except a good ride in my car.
About a month ago Porter passed away. And as I sit here with tears in my eyes, and the Sun is shinning out there I know a few things I will never forget. I will never forget the three of us laying in the yard on any given sunny afternoon, and I will never forget Kaya nor what she taught me, including the Sun. I will never forget how close Porter and I became after Kaya’s passing. And I will never forget what he taught me about life, and the Sun as well.
So here I am and this trip has taken about 15 – 16 years or so combined, and it is a warm Sunny day here where I live. And all I can do is go out there and pretend that I am laying there with my “pack”. (I say that pretend to lay because of a number of external factors.) But, I am getting a lot of the Sun by just being out there, and because of these thoughts, and the love that I always believed in! No matter what happens with my illness, and no matter where life takes me, I want to believe that my pack is still with me, in heart and in belief.
So take a moment, and if you have your own little pack, take out some time and enjoy some of the things they enjoy, maybe you’ll develop your own little pack rituals. And while you’re on the way it is likely you’ll have some great Memories too!
R.I.P Kaya
Kaya in her last few days, I would carry her out there, and the three of us would lay there!
R.I.P. Porter
Porter on the Couch, I bet he was thinking about the Sun though?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The illness and how it is sometimes accepted
I was on one of the message boards that I frequently go to for Bi-Polar and I was in an interesting conversation with a guy and we were talking about how difficult it is for some people to accept that someone has Bi-Polar, as well as how difficult it is for some people with Bi-Polar to come to terms with the fact that they actually have Bi-Polar. (This is a really difficult issue for some people, it can take years for some people to “come to terms” with the fact that they have Bi-Polar”.)
Anyways this is some of my thoughts on the subject, both of how others see people with Bi-Polar, and how some of us see our self as people with this illness.
There is a bit of an agreement among some in the Bi-Polar community that some of us actually have an understanding that we have the disease, however it would be safe to say that it might be easier to explain to some people that there may be a higher level of credibility if we were in a wheelchair? I think there are many people who would be more able to accept that they have an illness if they were in a wheel chair. As well as other people looking at us and understanding that it is a disease if we were in a wheel chair too. But just because we are not in a wheel chair doesn’t take away from the idea that we actually have an illness that sometimes dictates our behavior.
I know for me as I said I have always pretty much known there was a problem, but it took me most of my life just to reach out, and after that about 2 years just to accept that I was Bi-Polar. I have met others who have been told most of their life that they had it, and they still refused to accept that they had it. When it comes to others who do not have the illness, it is just as difficult to convey to them that we really are ill. Even after we lose everything and hit rock bottom, some people still don’t understand and think it is a choice. My ex wife is an example of this, we were together for four years and then I was diagnosed and for the next year and a half after my diagnosis, she still refused to accept that most of my behaviors were the illness, not my choice.
Since my diagnosis I have seen many similarities in others that I have been lucky enough to chat with. And I think this kind of helps my premise for my reasoning on this subject?
I still believe that if we try to take control and do things that keep us healthy we have a much better chance of not being a 70-80 year old person and still going thru the same ups and downs that are part of this illness. Obviously keeping in mind the severity of one’s illness is a partial key to this sort of chance. But I think if we try to work on it, and accept that we have an illness, and maybe even learn to reach out, I honestly believe that this may help?
So maybe if we stop thinking of ourselves as a person with out hope, and maybe if we think of ourselves as people that have been given a chance to reach out beyond our normal realm of thinking, there is the possibility that we can reach new areas in our cognitive abilities? We define strength within ourselves under a terminology that we choose, and I believe if we choose to think this way, maybe we can redefine strength to our selves? And accordingly make our life as a Bi-Polar a little bit better!
Anyways this is some of my thoughts on the subject, both of how others see people with Bi-Polar, and how some of us see our self as people with this illness.
There is a bit of an agreement among some in the Bi-Polar community that some of us actually have an understanding that we have the disease, however it would be safe to say that it might be easier to explain to some people that there may be a higher level of credibility if we were in a wheelchair? I think there are many people who would be more able to accept that they have an illness if they were in a wheel chair. As well as other people looking at us and understanding that it is a disease if we were in a wheel chair too. But just because we are not in a wheel chair doesn’t take away from the idea that we actually have an illness that sometimes dictates our behavior.
I know for me as I said I have always pretty much known there was a problem, but it took me most of my life just to reach out, and after that about 2 years just to accept that I was Bi-Polar. I have met others who have been told most of their life that they had it, and they still refused to accept that they had it. When it comes to others who do not have the illness, it is just as difficult to convey to them that we really are ill. Even after we lose everything and hit rock bottom, some people still don’t understand and think it is a choice. My ex wife is an example of this, we were together for four years and then I was diagnosed and for the next year and a half after my diagnosis, she still refused to accept that most of my behaviors were the illness, not my choice.
Since my diagnosis I have seen many similarities in others that I have been lucky enough to chat with. And I think this kind of helps my premise for my reasoning on this subject?
I still believe that if we try to take control and do things that keep us healthy we have a much better chance of not being a 70-80 year old person and still going thru the same ups and downs that are part of this illness. Obviously keeping in mind the severity of one’s illness is a partial key to this sort of chance. But I think if we try to work on it, and accept that we have an illness, and maybe even learn to reach out, I honestly believe that this may help?
So maybe if we stop thinking of ourselves as a person with out hope, and maybe if we think of ourselves as people that have been given a chance to reach out beyond our normal realm of thinking, there is the possibility that we can reach new areas in our cognitive abilities? We define strength within ourselves under a terminology that we choose, and I believe if we choose to think this way, maybe we can redefine strength to our selves? And accordingly make our life as a Bi-Polar a little bit better!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The feelings started around 10 or 12
After I was first diagnosed with BP, I was a bit unsure that it was true. Mostly because I had the feeling that BP like most illness trends that are at times vague and have no real "tests" to determine the actual illness itself have the tendency to be "over diagnosed". So I thought like most people that maybe I was just being "grouped" in and given some meds because they were kind of hoping I would continue taking them, and the stock prices would continue going up, etc...
Basically the first six months when I wasn't ill from the side effects for ill from the illness I was reflecting on my past. Going back to when I was a child of 10 or 11 years old. Thinking about what others may have thought was odd behavior, and the ways in which I eventually learned how to hide these behaviors. And after that the ways in which I learned what these feeling were and all of the fun that something like this much reflection entails.
I can remember myself at 12 years old being depressed and not really understanding what was going on? I just felt this numbness like feeling. And it wasn't just once or twice this went on for many years. After a while I started looking for activities that would make me feel things, like pain, or fear. Anything that would knock off this “overcoat of numbness” that I felt like I was wearing thru all of those years. Something that made me feel a little vulnerable, but not giving in too much? Keep in mind this was just during my depressive states. When I would be in a manic state, I was the one that people would dare to do something, and I would almost always be the first to do it. Whether I was in a manic state or a "normal" state, I was pretty much up for just about anything? And of course, my friends were more then willing to provide me with the dare!
This type of behavior eventually kind of faded for a little while, and then it came back during college, and when I would mix large amounts of Alcohol in there, it was a recipe for disaster. It got to the point at times that I was afraid to go out, because I knew something was going to happen, but I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew there was something wrong? I eventually started calling it “being on auto pilot”. Because once I started drinking, the mania would kick in, and it was like my brain would just go back home and read a book, but my being would be out partying until god knows when? The numbness started going into a different direction in those days. I will cover that in my next post.
TBC....
Basically the first six months when I wasn't ill from the side effects for ill from the illness I was reflecting on my past. Going back to when I was a child of 10 or 11 years old. Thinking about what others may have thought was odd behavior, and the ways in which I eventually learned how to hide these behaviors. And after that the ways in which I learned what these feeling were and all of the fun that something like this much reflection entails.
I can remember myself at 12 years old being depressed and not really understanding what was going on? I just felt this numbness like feeling. And it wasn't just once or twice this went on for many years. After a while I started looking for activities that would make me feel things, like pain, or fear. Anything that would knock off this “overcoat of numbness” that I felt like I was wearing thru all of those years. Something that made me feel a little vulnerable, but not giving in too much? Keep in mind this was just during my depressive states. When I would be in a manic state, I was the one that people would dare to do something, and I would almost always be the first to do it. Whether I was in a manic state or a "normal" state, I was pretty much up for just about anything? And of course, my friends were more then willing to provide me with the dare!
This type of behavior eventually kind of faded for a little while, and then it came back during college, and when I would mix large amounts of Alcohol in there, it was a recipe for disaster. It got to the point at times that I was afraid to go out, because I knew something was going to happen, but I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew there was something wrong? I eventually started calling it “being on auto pilot”. Because once I started drinking, the mania would kick in, and it was like my brain would just go back home and read a book, but my being would be out partying until god knows when? The numbness started going into a different direction in those days. I will cover that in my next post.
TBC....
Thursday, February 7, 2008
How much control do you have over your behavior?
On one of the message boards that I belong to someone asked the following question; "How much control do you have over your behaviors?" Of course this was a Bi-Polar message board and the person that was asking was asking in reference to someone with Bi-Polar. So after thing it over I responded accordingly.
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Here is my reply:
This is an interesting question, not just from the Bi-Polar point of view, but from a philosophical point of view as well!
I agree with you in that it is a label that too often is used to absolve someone from their responsibility or their behaviors. I also believe that many people choose to use this label for an excuse for their behaviors. (Obviously this is dependent on the severity of an illness.) But I think most people choose to use the label as a way to "excuse them" from some behaviors. Infidelity, Lying, etc...
However, I think that once someone has been "labeled" BP, that they are usually still cognizant of morally and principally wrong behaviors. Obviously this is assuming that they are on medications and taking them in accordance to their Dr.’s orders. This being said; I would understand that there are some behaviors that it would be a bit more difficult to assume control. For example: The base outlines of this illness. Ie.. Depression & Mania. I don’t think that we have control over this and obviously this is part of the problem. Which of course is why we are on the medicinal cocktails that most of us take on a daily basis? I say base outlines because these are the parameter guidelines for this illness. (Lying, Cheating, stealing are not considered the basis for Bi-Poler.)
So if you are asking how much can we control the base concerns, I would say little, if you ask how much control can we have of the ancillary issues, I would guess that once you have come to terms with the illness, you should be able to control a principle based behavior. (Of course this is premised on the severity of the illness. For example if one has severe hallucinations and sever paranoia then this would obviously change. It is likely that at this point the person may not be a “Functioning member of society”?)
But once again, there is the question of “coming to terms” with the illness. What does that mean, and can it mean different things for everyone? I can only speak for myself, but I believe that if one understands the basis for their illness and understands what the key components; depression & mania for example can do to them, and what the possible implications of these two concerns can and likely be, that a person would at least be getting close to “coming to terms”. I guess the real key here is that if someone understands that things like cheating on your spouse, or Lying to others, or even stealing are principally wrong in their given culture, that they relinquish their ability to say that this Label caused them to behave in that way.
So as long as I know the difference between what the guidelines for my illness are, I can be that much more in control. Obviously there will be exceptions, not just for me, but for everyone.
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If anyone differs in opinion, please feel free to drop me a line, I would be interested in hearing what you have to say?
----------------------------------------------------------
Here is my reply:
This is an interesting question, not just from the Bi-Polar point of view, but from a philosophical point of view as well!
I agree with you in that it is a label that too often is used to absolve someone from their responsibility or their behaviors. I also believe that many people choose to use this label for an excuse for their behaviors. (Obviously this is dependent on the severity of an illness.) But I think most people choose to use the label as a way to "excuse them" from some behaviors. Infidelity, Lying, etc...
However, I think that once someone has been "labeled" BP, that they are usually still cognizant of morally and principally wrong behaviors. Obviously this is assuming that they are on medications and taking them in accordance to their Dr.’s orders. This being said; I would understand that there are some behaviors that it would be a bit more difficult to assume control. For example: The base outlines of this illness. Ie.. Depression & Mania. I don’t think that we have control over this and obviously this is part of the problem. Which of course is why we are on the medicinal cocktails that most of us take on a daily basis? I say base outlines because these are the parameter guidelines for this illness. (Lying, Cheating, stealing are not considered the basis for Bi-Poler.)
So if you are asking how much can we control the base concerns, I would say little, if you ask how much control can we have of the ancillary issues, I would guess that once you have come to terms with the illness, you should be able to control a principle based behavior. (Of course this is premised on the severity of the illness. For example if one has severe hallucinations and sever paranoia then this would obviously change. It is likely that at this point the person may not be a “Functioning member of society”?)
But once again, there is the question of “coming to terms” with the illness. What does that mean, and can it mean different things for everyone? I can only speak for myself, but I believe that if one understands the basis for their illness and understands what the key components; depression & mania for example can do to them, and what the possible implications of these two concerns can and likely be, that a person would at least be getting close to “coming to terms”. I guess the real key here is that if someone understands that things like cheating on your spouse, or Lying to others, or even stealing are principally wrong in their given culture, that they relinquish their ability to say that this Label caused them to behave in that way.
So as long as I know the difference between what the guidelines for my illness are, I can be that much more in control. Obviously there will be exceptions, not just for me, but for everyone.
----------------------------------------
If anyone differs in opinion, please feel free to drop me a line, I would be interested in hearing what you have to say?
Saturday, February 2, 2008
My Best Friend, the Mayor!
Well a few days ago I got some bad news. The picture at right the big guy who is my best friend may be really sick once again? However for the last few days he has seemed his old self, so maybe, just maybe we have been able to hold back the illness for a while.
Porter, that's his name, Porter has had more surgery then most people I know? He has had enough mass cell tumors to fill a litter of dogs. My ex-wife and I had done everything we could to stop the Damn cancer as best we could! He has actually had three operations to remove seperate instances in the last 12 months. It always happens to the "Good Ones".
I was talking with one of the Nurse's at the Dog hospital that Porter goes to, and she said that, and I couldn't agree more. Porter is an amazing Dog, he has over come quite a bit, and has served as a sort of good will Ambasador for his breed. He is a Pit Bull and a Lab Mix. Porter has never had an angry moment, never been mean or vicious to anyone. It is kind of funny because when people meet him, they are sometimes a little spooked. They are spooked because of the stories that the media continues to publish about these Vicious Pit Bull attacks. And this is what everyone wants to focus on. You almost never hear the good stories about this bread.
Well, Porter is a good story, he has always been a great Dog. When he is at the Dog park playing with the other dogs and someone new starts to walk into the park area, Porter for some reason has taken it upon himself to stop playing and go over to every new person that walks in the play area and first he greets the owner, then he greets the Dog. We jokingly call him the Mayor. It is quite funny, because it is just something that he started doing on his own? It is this reason as well as the multitude of other odd behaviors that I call him my best friend!
To be Continued...
Porter, that's his name, Porter has had more surgery then most people I know? He has had enough mass cell tumors to fill a litter of dogs. My ex-wife and I had done everything we could to stop the Damn cancer as best we could! He has actually had three operations to remove seperate instances in the last 12 months. It always happens to the "Good Ones".
I was talking with one of the Nurse's at the Dog hospital that Porter goes to, and she said that, and I couldn't agree more. Porter is an amazing Dog, he has over come quite a bit, and has served as a sort of good will Ambasador for his breed. He is a Pit Bull and a Lab Mix. Porter has never had an angry moment, never been mean or vicious to anyone. It is kind of funny because when people meet him, they are sometimes a little spooked. They are spooked because of the stories that the media continues to publish about these Vicious Pit Bull attacks. And this is what everyone wants to focus on. You almost never hear the good stories about this bread.
Well, Porter is a good story, he has always been a great Dog. When he is at the Dog park playing with the other dogs and someone new starts to walk into the park area, Porter for some reason has taken it upon himself to stop playing and go over to every new person that walks in the play area and first he greets the owner, then he greets the Dog. We jokingly call him the Mayor. It is quite funny, because it is just something that he started doing on his own? It is this reason as well as the multitude of other odd behaviors that I call him my best friend!
To be Continued...
Friday, January 18, 2008
Another day, another $1.94
Another day, another $1.94
I wish, lol actually the day was spent running around and taking care of various things that needed my attentions. However when I did finish I was completely taxed! It is odd, but I have been very tired both mentally and physically after a few hours of activity? Mostly, mentally tired! I literally have to just "close off" the world and kind of "re-charge"! It is kind of like letting the reverberations of the day fizzle out. If that make any sense? But the problem is that if I start at 7am the recharge has to be around noon? And like I said the other day, this is probably because of my coping mechanisms are a little "low"?
This illness takes so much from you, and in ways I never would have thought? Not only does it slow you down in many ways, it also makes you look at life a little differently! In some ways I listen to the ways that some people talk, the volume, the cadence the flow of the syntax. And in doing this you learn a lot more about the people, not to say that I didn't do this prior to becoming officially ill, but, I believe that I do it with a more detailed approach? I also think that maybe I do it to see if I can tell if someone may also be BP?
In case you have never spoken with a BP'r, we can most times tell is someone that we meet may have BP, or something similar? Someone the other day said something about it being because as a person who has BP, we have spent our lives in sort of an emotional hiding game. And if we see someone doing the same kind of thing it kind of sets off a bell in our head. The person made a great point in saying that BP people "Don't have open mood swings", and then she said she that one way she has learned is"to recognize someone with an illness is by the way they allow others to perceive them...make sense?" I thought this was an interesting perspective and I think it goes back to our need and ability to hide our illness from everyone. In keeping certain aspects from others we feel that we are not letting our illness out of the bag. And when someone like the person who stated this, or even myself sees someone who is doing this it sets off a bell and then we have a pretty good idea as to the others potential!
So be warned......we know you're out there!
Just kidding, of course you're out there!
I wish, lol actually the day was spent running around and taking care of various things that needed my attentions. However when I did finish I was completely taxed! It is odd, but I have been very tired both mentally and physically after a few hours of activity? Mostly, mentally tired! I literally have to just "close off" the world and kind of "re-charge"! It is kind of like letting the reverberations of the day fizzle out. If that make any sense? But the problem is that if I start at 7am the recharge has to be around noon? And like I said the other day, this is probably because of my coping mechanisms are a little "low"?
This illness takes so much from you, and in ways I never would have thought? Not only does it slow you down in many ways, it also makes you look at life a little differently! In some ways I listen to the ways that some people talk, the volume, the cadence the flow of the syntax. And in doing this you learn a lot more about the people, not to say that I didn't do this prior to becoming officially ill, but, I believe that I do it with a more detailed approach? I also think that maybe I do it to see if I can tell if someone may also be BP?
In case you have never spoken with a BP'r, we can most times tell is someone that we meet may have BP, or something similar? Someone the other day said something about it being because as a person who has BP, we have spent our lives in sort of an emotional hiding game. And if we see someone doing the same kind of thing it kind of sets off a bell in our head. The person made a great point in saying that BP people "Don't have open mood swings", and then she said she that one way she has learned is"to recognize someone with an illness is by the way they allow others to perceive them...make sense?" I thought this was an interesting perspective and I think it goes back to our need and ability to hide our illness from everyone. In keeping certain aspects from others we feel that we are not letting our illness out of the bag. And when someone like the person who stated this, or even myself sees someone who is doing this it sets off a bell and then we have a pretty good idea as to the others potential!
So be warned......we know you're out there!
Just kidding, of course you're out there!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Some considerations
I have been trying to stay pretty busy, but in staying busy I pay for it in that buy doing this it takes a serious toll on my illness.
I am so entirely mentally drained after just a few hours that I feel like I need to shut off from the rest of the world! And I have been trying to "expand" my ability, but it is taking some time. I was at a meeting last night and we were discussing things like this, and I mentioned this, and someone brought up an interesting point. I have only been feeling "kind of" good for just about six weeks. (Obviously I am not factoring in all of the various factors that are wreaking havoc in my life these days. Let's just say that Divorce is one of them!)
Now six weeks sounds like a fair amount of time, but think about this, I was really sick, ie ..depressed for over a year. So, maybe as usual I am not giving myself enough credit? I have been battling this for the last year and a half, and in al of that I want to be able to jump back in the game and be like my old self, but I think if I force that on myself, I may end up in the same place I was before Thanksgiving? (Which was when I was hospitalized.)
In so many ways I want to get back in the game, but I know that in doing this I have to choose my methods, time frame and paths wisely! Because when you have BP, you never really know when the Beast will pop out and have a little fun on its own, by tear into my soul and messing up everything I have worked on to try to regain some level of normality.
Normal is one thing, but being able to get back in the game is my goal, I just have to do what I can to be smart about my path!
I am so entirely mentally drained after just a few hours that I feel like I need to shut off from the rest of the world! And I have been trying to "expand" my ability, but it is taking some time. I was at a meeting last night and we were discussing things like this, and I mentioned this, and someone brought up an interesting point. I have only been feeling "kind of" good for just about six weeks. (Obviously I am not factoring in all of the various factors that are wreaking havoc in my life these days. Let's just say that Divorce is one of them!)
Now six weeks sounds like a fair amount of time, but think about this, I was really sick, ie ..depressed for over a year. So, maybe as usual I am not giving myself enough credit? I have been battling this for the last year and a half, and in al of that I want to be able to jump back in the game and be like my old self, but I think if I force that on myself, I may end up in the same place I was before Thanksgiving? (Which was when I was hospitalized.)
In so many ways I want to get back in the game, but I know that in doing this I have to choose my methods, time frame and paths wisely! Because when you have BP, you never really know when the Beast will pop out and have a little fun on its own, by tear into my soul and messing up everything I have worked on to try to regain some level of normality.
Normal is one thing, but being able to get back in the game is my goal, I just have to do what I can to be smart about my path!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Day by Day, Minute by Minute
Some days things seem that they can go one way, and suddenly they end up going the other way. Wednesday I was feeling pretty down and I feared that the black days were coming back. And if anyone who has BP knows, this is indeed a very scary feeling. It is like you don't have a choice, you try to think positive thoughts and try to move quite a bit more physically. And you hope that it won't come. But it usually does and then all you can do is wait, wait for what you hope is the end. And like I said before, you look for those seconds in the minutes where you are not in that Black Mode!
Well, I went to bed feeling this way and as usual I couldn't sleep! Of course I had to get up early the next day, (Isn't always that way?) so after doing the things that needed my attention thursday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself in a good mood? and of course when this happens I think I get more suspect then I really should, butI think you can understand why?
One of the difficult things about being Bi-Polar is that you never really know which mood you may wake up with, or which you will go to bed with? Especially if you are a Rapid Cycle type.
You have to enjoy the minutes, and it kind of teaches you to stay focused on the current moment, rather then get caught up in the mass of BS that we do most of the time.
I guess in some ways there are some good things about being BP, but like everything in life, you have to look for them.
Well, I went to bed feeling this way and as usual I couldn't sleep! Of course I had to get up early the next day, (Isn't always that way?) so after doing the things that needed my attention thursday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself in a good mood? and of course when this happens I think I get more suspect then I really should, butI think you can understand why?
One of the difficult things about being Bi-Polar is that you never really know which mood you may wake up with, or which you will go to bed with? Especially if you are a Rapid Cycle type.
You have to enjoy the minutes, and it kind of teaches you to stay focused on the current moment, rather then get caught up in the mass of BS that we do most of the time.
I guess in some ways there are some good things about being BP, but like everything in life, you have to look for them.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The joy of being me
I was working on another blog I have, and suddenly I thought? Hey, didn't I start one a few months ago? Sure enough here it is.
Lots and lots of fun things have been going on in my world since my last post. Although the post was in August, my depression stayed and got much worse until a bit after Thanksgiving. I was in the Hospital for thanksgiving and stayed for about a week. The depression had gotten so bad and I just couldn't take it anymore. So for a time frame view, I was depressed for over 1 year. One year of my life sucked away by this damn illness.
In that time I had one house go into foreclosure, had to file bankrupcy. And now Divorce.
I am not trying to bum anyone out with my stories of woe, I am just trying to share with others who have this illness, or know someone who has it. I once said that I would never wish this on my worst enemy. And this is still true.
There is a shimmering light at the end of the tunnel though, and I hope its not a train coming at me? I believe that there is only one way for life to go, and that is up! Everything has to get better, because when you are at Zero, where else can you go?
ps. my other blog isn't about any of this, so if you're interested google Five inch Monkey.
Lots and lots of fun things have been going on in my world since my last post. Although the post was in August, my depression stayed and got much worse until a bit after Thanksgiving. I was in the Hospital for thanksgiving and stayed for about a week. The depression had gotten so bad and I just couldn't take it anymore. So for a time frame view, I was depressed for over 1 year. One year of my life sucked away by this damn illness.
In that time I had one house go into foreclosure, had to file bankrupcy. And now Divorce.
I am not trying to bum anyone out with my stories of woe, I am just trying to share with others who have this illness, or know someone who has it. I once said that I would never wish this on my worst enemy. And this is still true.
There is a shimmering light at the end of the tunnel though, and I hope its not a train coming at me? I believe that there is only one way for life to go, and that is up! Everything has to get better, because when you are at Zero, where else can you go?
ps. my other blog isn't about any of this, so if you're interested google Five inch Monkey.
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