I recently sent an e-mail to a friend and I made a statement that it felt like every minute of every day seems like it is trying to get back a few seconds. This is what it feels like at times, especially when I am in a depressed state. There are times that I think I am not even sure that I am in such a state, and suddenly something will tilt me over and viola, I am done for!
I believe that as I track back the minutes of the day, I am looking for seconds of time when I am not depressed, or seconds when it is sitting on the back shelf and I look at it, realize it is there, and just say, "I hope that doesn't tilt over at the wrong time?" We all know that it will tip and there isn't a lot I can do about it, except look for those seconds and keep hoping that they add up to minutes.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
Positive thinking and BiPolar can it work again?
I have often thought that the way one allows their mind to go is the way they will become. I have learned that only part of this is true. After being diagnosed I went into a tail spin that is only matched by the tail spin that preceeded the diagnosis. Once I was diagnosed I was too often down and always unmotivated regarding just about everything. I didn't want this and I tried to make the way clear, however my mind took over and all I could do was be depressed. What my mind needed was some chemical help.
The signs were there as far back as the early 1990's when I just couldn't get things going, I was drinking too much and too often depressed. My life was a Roller coaster. That is when I started the self help / positive thinking information. I did everything I could to pull myself out of the hole. At one point I even did a little conditioning response therapy on myself. (Which now that I think about it sounds like a good idea to start again? Hell it worked once, it may just work again.) I may have gotten lucky and been able to keep the Dogs at bay so to speak for a while. But I do know there were up and downs during the last 15 year or so.
The reality is that the positive thinking stuff may possibly be the only thing that saved me? I had put so much positive stuff into my head over the years that it kept me from drowning myself in my own misery. I had always known that I had a problem with depression, but I think between the self medication and positive thoughts, books and what not I was able to
sustain a level normalacy.
However like many things in our lives we cannot continue to put things off as it will show to
some people. When they see it, hopefully they are close enough to you that they can tell you and be open and honest with you, and you have to do the same. There is only so much you can fit into the Basket eventually things will start to fall out.
Lesson I have learned: All of that positive thinking stuff, books, tapes and seminars does work, however sometimes when things are down low, you need a little chemical help.
And that is where I am today, using chemicals to maintain my levels and thinking that
I may need to "re-educate myself on the positive thinking realm.
The signs were there as far back as the early 1990's when I just couldn't get things going, I was drinking too much and too often depressed. My life was a Roller coaster. That is when I started the self help / positive thinking information. I did everything I could to pull myself out of the hole. At one point I even did a little conditioning response therapy on myself. (Which now that I think about it sounds like a good idea to start again? Hell it worked once, it may just work again.) I may have gotten lucky and been able to keep the Dogs at bay so to speak for a while. But I do know there were up and downs during the last 15 year or so.
The reality is that the positive thinking stuff may possibly be the only thing that saved me? I had put so much positive stuff into my head over the years that it kept me from drowning myself in my own misery. I had always known that I had a problem with depression, but I think between the self medication and positive thoughts, books and what not I was able to
sustain a level normalacy.
However like many things in our lives we cannot continue to put things off as it will show to
some people. When they see it, hopefully they are close enough to you that they can tell you and be open and honest with you, and you have to do the same. There is only so much you can fit into the Basket eventually things will start to fall out.
Lesson I have learned: All of that positive thinking stuff, books, tapes and seminars does work, however sometimes when things are down low, you need a little chemical help.
And that is where I am today, using chemicals to maintain my levels and thinking that
I may need to "re-educate myself on the positive thinking realm.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Time heals.....some
Ok so a few days have gone by and the sky is clearer, and the air less thick. The hardest part is that you have to tell yourself that it will get better, that sometime in the next week it should get better. But in the mean time it can be so damn frustrating, it is like you have this boulder on your head, and you cannot quite push it off of you. I guess we all get to play sisyphus from time to time. (just in case: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=sisyphus)
On the other hand I learned that Richard Jeni committed suicide the other recently. It was actually a few months ago, but it still seems recent. The Comedy world lost a great character! I actually liked this guy, I guess this is why it kind of hit me, not to mention he was suffering from serious depression. I wonder why is it that everytime there is someone in show business that I start to like and actually kind of respect, they end up dead? Very strange.
Mitch Hedberg, Richard Jeni, Bill Hicks......to name a few.
On the other hand I learned that Richard Jeni committed suicide the other recently. It was actually a few months ago, but it still seems recent. The Comedy world lost a great character! I actually liked this guy, I guess this is why it kind of hit me, not to mention he was suffering from serious depression. I wonder why is it that everytime there is someone in show business that I start to like and actually kind of respect, they end up dead? Very strange.
Mitch Hedberg, Richard Jeni, Bill Hicks......to name a few.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Today I was Thinking..
Today I was thinking about what it is like to have Bi-Polar, what it is like at various stages, the ups and downs and inbetween. So I decided I would do a blog and kind of keep track of all of this stuff.
My intent is to be able to look back over time and learn what I am like at times during each stage, and hopefully be able to share this with some people who know me and don't quite understand what it is I am going thru, and or what it is like to live with this thing they call Bi-Polar.
Today was miserable, and still is. I have been just hanging in there all day. Which seems to be what a lot of being down is about. Just hanging in there and not really losing it, or more importantly not losing it and not knowing where it will go? When you have a wet towel over your head and your eyes are semi filled with tears at any thought of good bad, etc. It is often difficult to tell where anything will go? Do you sit there and cry, do you sit there and stare at a wall, do I try to keep busy, or try to put myself in a position where I am surrounded by others? This is what I do not know, what I ask myself time after time when I am in this state.
My intent is to be able to look back over time and learn what I am like at times during each stage, and hopefully be able to share this with some people who know me and don't quite understand what it is I am going thru, and or what it is like to live with this thing they call Bi-Polar.
Today was miserable, and still is. I have been just hanging in there all day. Which seems to be what a lot of being down is about. Just hanging in there and not really losing it, or more importantly not losing it and not knowing where it will go? When you have a wet towel over your head and your eyes are semi filled with tears at any thought of good bad, etc. It is often difficult to tell where anything will go? Do you sit there and cry, do you sit there and stare at a wall, do I try to keep busy, or try to put myself in a position where I am surrounded by others? This is what I do not know, what I ask myself time after time when I am in this state.
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